Surviving this year

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I can't say that I did any better than surviving yesterday. I muddled through my group. Struggled through charting. 

I'm just tired. And it's a kind I haven't felt in a long long time. But it's pervasive, and it's getting a lot worse.

I wonder how long I can keep doing what I'm doing. I used to think it mattered. Now I'm not so sure. At least to anyone but me. 

For the first time I'm questioning what the hell I'm doing. And that scares the shit out of me. 

I didn't think I would be one to find the purpose of life in my career. I am still not sure if that is true. But I do want my work to mean something. That those hours are worth more than the intrinsic value of the paycheck. 

So what do I do?

I'm not sure and maybe it's time to stop being circumspect and I should just face it head on. So I'm going to try that and just let things be what they are. 

This current administration as an entity has enmity for the poor, indigent, homeless, disabled, afflicted, and for veterans. The federal workforce working to aid and help their fellow citizens are chumps at best and the enemy at worst. A deluded sense of common sense has taken over for expertise, research, and science. Trans people are losing access to care and many were removed from employment. We have rhetoric against women in the workplace and the voting booth. Sadly I don't see it getting better anytime soon. I see escalation on the horizon. 

I've been a short form content creator on social media in this new era. Battling in comment sections and attempting to share stories, studies, and resources that demonstrate the reality of the damage done. It's probably an exercise in futility. But what do I know. I do it anyway right. 

I've protested. I've marched. I've written and called congressional reps. I've signed petitions. And I'm casting every vote I can.  But is it enough.

It feels like this administration will do whatever the hell they want. 


We're watching them attack the very idea of God and country. Faith and patriotism conflated with violence and cruelty.


We're seeing a celebration of a man with the poorest of business practices, felony charges, and credible liability of sexual assault do the worst things to the least among us. 

And I feel powerless to do much of anything. 


Life sucks right now. At least the conditions of the nation. That's a new feeling for me.


So I hang on to a song. The nuzzle of a puppy. The hug of a child. The embrace of my wife.


I go to the lake. I go to the woods. I drive in neighborhoods and towns that feel right. I look at the trees swaying in the wind. And I walk when I can. 


I lean on the songs that brings joy. I blast the ones that are cathartic. I put on the sitcom that makes me laugh, the movie that makes me cry.


I savor the scriptures that still bring me solace instead of hurt. I try to pray a little bit more. 


I listen to friends. 


I show up where I can.


And I'm writing a little more. It's time to share it.




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