Witt's End

I hate not being believed. That's happened a lot recently. But the pain of this one has been offset by a pain that came before.  I want to take us back to COVID times. One of the darkest times in my life.  When COVID was tearing through this country. Early on in the process I was pulled up from working in long term care and hospice to help run an emergency unit for COVID patients. These patients were residents of the Washington State Veterans Home. The unit was dealing with an outbreak. We had to stand up and isolate a unit and pull staff from all over the hospital to help provide care for these veterans and spouses.  I was working in the Community Living Center as a nurse's aid. That portion of the VA was a two wing unit that was a rehab and hospice center. We had to clear all of those patients out and move them into other portions of the hospital to make our COVID unit.  During my time on that unit I helped nurses from primary care navigate the EHR they'd never use...

I believe in being earnest. More and more with time. I know I still have a sarcasm gene that I need to address, I can't deny that; but I feel a growing compulsion toward sincerity. This need to stand behind what I do, and what I say. To be true to the emotions and feelings I hold. Through it all I think there's a level of humility and integrity that can only come from being earnest. The world needs kindness, hope, and connection. And I truly have come to believe that we need earnestness to accomplish that. We need some sincerity and some seriousness. In everything we do. But especially in how we express ourselves. I try to say what I mean. In speech and by pen. Express it honestly. Always. The sincerity of what I try to write leads to scrupulousness. I’m very serious in my writing. To a fault. And because of that I take things to heart. Maybe too much.I don't know how well that's served me.  I've written in the past about the accusations of being softhearted, of bei...

We as people of faith need to get better at apologizing. We do more harm than we realize; often by following our convictions. And we need to be more willing to seek forgiveness for it. That’s going to require a lot of humility, some genuine connection, and a dash of spiritual envy. But I think we can do it. And we need to do it. If we’re sincere in our faith then there’s a demand for it. I'm realizing how high and mighty I used to be. How okay I was with letting my surety trump my empathy. It's been a hard pill to swallow. As we look at our actions we need to realize w e aren’t always correct. We don’t have all the answers. We have faith because we don’t. And we need to embrace that. We need that humility. We need that recognition. We don't know everything. We can't know everything. And that means we won't always get it right.  Too often we find our selves calling people to repentance without knowing there hearts are. Without knowing what they are going through. Oft...

  Some of my favorite people are now on the opposite side of the political aisle from me. Hell I’d argue we’re on opposite sides of the spectrum itself at this point. But I love them. And I’m trying to figure out how to navigate this time without alienating them (any more than what has already occurred). How do I stand for what I believe in? How do I be a perceived light without burning it all down? I think I found my path through this.  I am striving for things instead of just opposing things. And that mindset shift has been incredible. I didn’t do what I’ve done in my life to feel lost. It’s time to stand for things again. I believe in things. That should be the priority and take my time more than things I don’t believe in.  It's been an enlightening and emboldening. And it’s lead to three or so realizations.  First discussions and debates can only be had with people who are willing to participate in good faith who agree on essential facts. And personally I’m only ...

 People are messy. People have always been messy. A lot of historical figures we look to benefit us in one aspect of their lives and are tragically failing at the next.  Artists that have inspired us often do not live up to their ideals or their work in their personal lives.  People in our lives who love us, treat us well, may be the same who are rude, mean, and uncaring to others in our lives.  And we as individuals are no different.  I've been harsh at times with how I now view some of the art and literature that most informed and changed me. I look at simple failings of the creator and then cast out the emotions I felt and growth I had with it. At least I did for awhile.  I can't do that anymore.  I am looking back at what saved me, what helped me, and I'm turning into the skid. The threshold to throw it out of my life has increased and is still in flux. All I know at this time, is there I certain things I love that I'm spending more time with again...

There are aspects of my life I’m trying to reconcile. Any inquiry to the interested parties tells me to abandon the opposing aspects.  A lot of times when I’m writing it’s about finding some enlightenment, profundity in what I’m experiencing. Not today. No I’m just working through the struggle. There's a lot that's been racing through my mind as of late. A lack of connection.  I've often felt outside of groups I'm supposed to be a part of.  Most vets I know talk about how they relate best or often only with other vets and service members. I've often felt outside. Whether it's not drinking, political affiliations, the lack of combat time, strangeness of my injuries, or some negative aspects of my military service. I don't always feel part of it all.  But the same goes with the church. I'm a returned missionary, I married in the temple, and yet I feel outside, disconnected. Politics, life experiences, identity all play a factor. Ironically being my generat...

“How are you doing?"  I really really struggle to answer this question. It's sobering to realize how few people you can really talk to.  So now I’m going to be almost hypocritical and write about it.  How do I avoid lying while balancing privacy? How do I find the line between appropriate and oversharing?  When it comes to my physical or mental wellbeing on the day to day I struggle to honestly answer that question. I have to answer it in layers.  Layer 1: I want to answer the obligatory “good” and move on. But that isn’t always truthful. “I’m doing” works. It doesn’t lie. But it doesn’t blow things up. That's where it starts and ends. The problem is if people know you too well. They don't buy it. So onward, deeper. Layer 2: "I'm tired" or "I have a migraine" are the go to responses. Both are almost always true. Or at least one of them is at all times. It’s usually a level of understanding you can have with most co-workers, extended family, teac...

 This way may be a struggle for some people. I don't think it's going to be on "either side" of the issue. It's just me placing words to my very tumultuous thoughts. I've been ruminating on too many night shifts on this one.  There has been an AP article  exposing horrific sexual abuse over the course of years. Sexual abuse that occurred after a bishop reached out to the church's hotline. The article was then rebutted by the church . They call into question some of the timeline and reporting. The day of the church's rebuttal an Arizona judge ruled clerical privilege would not apply in the case and no records could be withheld. Also there was a podcast  released with more information with the author of the original article. For many members of the church the response from the church was enough to assuage any fears. It increased their confidence. Why question anymore? Why feel uneasy? Why doubt?  I wasn't one of them. This has been gnawing at me for...

We’ve all seen the memes, read the tweets, seen the TikToks, I can have friends with a different opinion than my own. I can have people in my life with different lifestyles than me.  I think all of us can. But all of us leverage point where an opinion or practice becomes too much. Where an opinion becomes too much for a friendship to bear. That’s hard to hear. I know but hang on.  We can’t have a familiar relationship with everyone. Not even a friendship with everyone. That’s ok. Not establishing a relationship just means you’re not establishing intimacy and expectations. We can’t open up to everyone. It’s just not feasible. And that’s something we need to realize moving forward.  It doesn’t mean you won’t be kind. It doesn’t mean you won’t be respectful. It just means you’re not letting someone in.  It’s ok to set that boundary based on what someone espouses to believe.  Where’s that line? I can’t answer you, but I can answer it for me. Here’s the long-winded e...