Opinions can be a reason

We’ve all seen the memes, read the tweets, seen the TikToks, I can have friends with a different opinion than my own. I can have people in my life with different lifestyles than me. I think all of us can. But all of us leverage point where an opinion or practice becomes too much. Where an opinion becomes too much for a friendship to bear. That’s hard to hear. I know but hang on. 

We can’t have a familiar relationship with everyone. Not even a friendship with everyone. That’s ok. Not establishing a relationship just means you’re not establishing intimacy and expectations. We can’t open up to everyone. It’s just not feasible. And that’s something we need to realize moving forward. 

It doesn’t mean you won’t be kind. It doesn’t mean you won’t be respectful. It just means you’re not letting someone in. 

It’s ok to set that boundary based on what someone espouses to believe. 

Where’s that line? I can’t answer you, but I can answer it for me. Here’s the long-winded explanation. 

Let's start with something simple. 

Some of my friends and I come different (literal) tastes. The food we enjoy, the food we can eat, there’s overlap but there’s also differences. Allergies, diets, acquired tastes, aversions, desires, upbringing all play a role in what we consume. What we like to eat. And unless someone is overly pushy or rude about the diversity of tastes and options no one seems to have a real problem. This category includes things like cars we like, musical tastes, choices of media consumption, hobbies, sports teams, and so on. The simple differences that make life interesting and fun. I can spend time with people who have different choices in all of these categories. Doing so has both opened my mind to new things, and let me have fun debates about the bits that don't bother us too much. It's the simplest place to have a difference of opinion. 

Now let's talk about something that for some people is an immediate reason to separate a friendship. For others it's not an opinion but specific behavior that matters. It's been one of the biggest dividers of friends at times in my life. Substance use. Specifically alcohol consumption. Now for me I don't partake of alcohol, I've got my reasons, health, religion, family etc. I just don't partake. But some of my closest friends do. It's not a barrier to us. For two reasons. One, they never try to force me and didn't force an explanation. Two, when requested they'll abstain for my benefit. Because of that if the location is amenable I'll drive and they can drink. Because I want them in my life. That's the rub. Their behavior is what matters. If their behavior doesn't cause me harm, we're friends in other aspects of life. I'm not cutting them out. 

Now for some people it's an untenable situation. They can't be friends, have a relationship with someone who consumes any alcohol. Just having someone around who drinks is too much. Maybe they have an addiction they're recovering from, maybe it's religious. I'm not going to judge if this is their line. It's one I've seen a lot. It's just not mine. 

Let's get into trickier issues that require a case by case assessment for me. These are typically not divisive enough to cause me to separate myself. They usually involve religion (or lack thereof), and they often  is politics. I'm not going to cut someone out based on their faith. I'm not going to cut someone out for their politics. But how their faith and politics impact how they view the struggles of other people, how they respect people that can be the dividing line for me. Now it's not only religion and politics that can lead to this, but they seem to be prominent discussions. Two main categories come to mind. 

The first is racism. If confronted and continued. I'm not spending time with you anymore than I have to. 

Second is opinions about the LGBT community. If a person can't respect someone for their gender expression or sexuality, I can't let them too closely into my life. That doesn't mean I hate that person. But I now know it's not a place for me to have open and honest dialogue about something that impacts my life and a lot of people I care about. I can't share a part of who I am, so I have to separate. There isn't some hard fast line here. It's a lot more grey than how I feel about racism. Partially because it's something that effects me personally more. The other part of that is I've seen a lot of growth around me. 

Now some people love to debate the rights revolving around race, class, sexuality. I can see the appeal from an intellectual standpoint. But for some of us this isn't a debate. It's life. It impacts those around us, and how their lives play out. That's why some opinions on the subject make it so I have to step back. Not open up. I hope that reason is as understandable as an addict avoid alcohol. 

There's something else that can cause me to back away even faster. Opinions about individuals. Now I'm not talking about opinions of presidents or celebrities. I'm talking about mutual people one knows. If I were to tell you that someone beat me up, or someone stole from me, or they sexually abused someone I know and you keep their friendship; if you continue to hold them in high regard. I'll probably back away. I hope this is for obvious reasons. I can't be opening up to someone in contact or a relationship with someone who harmed me or those I care about. I can't present scenario any vulnerability or intimacy. 

The distance I place on a relationship is going to be impacted by worldview. The respect I give will not. That's where I find myself at this point. I can't continue on in developing relationships that can cause me harm. It's a switch in the tracks. It's where we go separate ways at times. And that's ok. We'll continue to have the people we need. I truly believe that. But some relationships will go in different directions. 

So yes, people with different opinions can be friends. But there is a breaking point where worldviews diverge too much. I hope other people think about what that point is. So many of these memes and shares are about hitting people for drawing boundaries. But we all have to do that. It's normal and healthy. Know yourself. Know where you need to be. Trust me. It's ok.