Shame and inadequacy

The shame of incapacity. It’s real. And I’m struggling with it. 

I feel like I’m in a pretty good place. But so often it comes in. 

For a long long time I just assumed shame was a synonym for guilt. Part of it. That shame was your fault. 

I'm not 100% sure where that take came from. I have some ideas that we can explore later. But I think we have to examine shame in and of itself.

Over time I've come to relate shame to inadequacy. The inability to accomplish something. That maybe the inability to do the right thing, having done the wrong thing. That's why it's so often accompanied by guilt. 

It's all about the idea that you're not enough. And one way of not being enough is not fitting in. 

Shame can be wielded that way. It can be weaponized. The idea of not belonging swung like a cudgel. Whether it’s intentional or not.

Whats weird is what we think is the greatest shame for a person is often wrong. What shames them may surprise you.

For me the greatest shame hasn’t been struggles with addiction, mental health, or sins (perceived real or not).

The greatest shame I've personally felt is when I failed at things beyond my control. Failing when my body refuses to cooperate. 

It’s so hard to go day by day hoping that you have the capability to survive it without crumpling. 

If I have a migraine that day, or a vertigo attack I become useless. I can’t drive. I can’t type on a computer. I can’t even stand at times. And those moments make me feel small. 

But they’re not the only things. I have a condition that causes chronic fatigue and joint pain. And I used to wonder why I would get so tired for no reason. Now I know. And I used to think that would make it easier. But knowing my true capabilities now brings me shame at times. 

Where I want to be in daily performance isn’t where I am. Getting to what I think may be acceptable is taking a long time. And it’s hard.

You don’t want to be the one that looks capable but has to take a break. You don’t want to be the man asking for help to open a jar. Planning a rest day after activities with your kids. Asking for help.

There’s a feeling of burdening people. Slowing them down I can’t shake. 

I wish I could. I wish I had a happy hopeful response here. But I’m not sure I do. 

Being a burden to someone and needing care takes a toll on you and those you love. In more ways than one.

I hope to limit that burden. I hope to build up what I am capable of in the best ways. To not feel that shame the same way.

And here’s hoping that makes more hope.