Witt's End

I hate not being believed. That's happened a lot recently. But the pain of this one has been offset by a pain that came before.  I want to take us back to COVID times. One of the darkest times in my life.  When COVID was tearing through this country. Early on in the process I was pulled up from working in long term care and hospice to help run an emergency unit for COVID patients. These patients were residents of the Washington State Veterans Home. The unit was dealing with an outbreak. We had to stand up and isolate a unit and pull staff from all over the hospital to help provide care for these veterans and spouses.  I was working in the Community Living Center as a nurse's aid. That portion of the VA was a two wing unit that was a rehab and hospice center. We had to clear all of those patients out and move them into other portions of the hospital to make our COVID unit.  During my time on that unit I helped nurses from primary care navigate the EHR they'd never use...

Make America great again. Make men great again. Catchy phrases. Easy to remember. They work well as slogans and rallying cries.  I understand the desire for nostalgia and aspiration. I do. But I don’t know if this is it: I remember when the make America great again started to get some steam. I asked what time period was America great. I was told repeatedly the 1950s. A time where there was no civil rights amendment. A time of economic prosperity, but women couldn’t open a bank account on their own.  That’s the problem with looking backward. We can get tunnel vision. We can focus on what benefitted us and who we are (or would be) and we miss how others would be affected.  I personally feel that America has always been great due to its potential, people, and perpetual progression. So I struggle with looking backward when we have so much ahead of us.  The same portions of society that truly believe that America needs redemption to a state of greatness also thing that we...

  I think we’re failing at ministering. It’s for two     simple reasons. One we can’t manufacture relationships of depth. Two we’re afraid to admit we can’t give the help that’s really needed and just sit with people. The good news is we can address this. And working on one will help the other. I want to first say this. It’s hard to track and determine effectiveness of our ministering without resorting to numbers. And numbers will lead to performative actions and less determinative ones.  With that out of the way let’s focus on really doing this. Actually ministering to people. Ministration without connection is just pandering. And connection takes time to develop. Let’s be real for a second; even if someone genuinely wants to help you there is a barrier without a relationship. Now in a congregation there are often legitimate desires to help and aid each other. But in a culture where service to others is correlated to personal salvation it can come across as more tha...

There is something I’ve referenced at times in My writing that I want to address directly tonight. It’s question a lot of people ask themselves. It comes in various forms, am I gay? Am I bi? I think I have the answer to the question. It’s pretty simple. Ready? Here goes. If you never asked if the love you had for a same gendered friend was platonic friendship or infatuated affection you're straight. If you felt butterflies identical to a heterosexual crush or found yourself wondering if a friendly hug could turn into an embrace you’re bi or gay. See it’s pretty simple. I recognize now how confusing it was to think a close friend is attractive and not be able to talk about it. To desire something that seemed so out of reach. Yet was so simple.  I felt that way about boys and girls. Different individuals. There was infatuation greater than a friendship. More often than not unreturned. Regardless of gender. But looking back it was so obvious.  It’s not some mystery. And people eb...

The last couple days it’s been sad music. It’s just one of those things that comes with the territory. I’m finally hitting that phase of the grief. My grandfather died last week. And it’s hitting me harder than I thought it would. And not that there is a memorial in two weeks it’s really sinking in. Hence my melancholy response and the seeking of appropriately emotionally fulfilling music. For many people that would seem an appropriate response when losing a grandfather. For me I’m struggling to know how exactly I feel. See I never met my grandfather until about four years ago. Just prior to that, I was unaware that he even existed. I’ll just say that DNA tests for family history can reveal new things. Since that time I’ve been able to visit him and properly meet him once, and I’ve had a throughly typical modern experience of intermittent phone calls and text messages. At times I was much more connected and responsive than others. And I needed it. He was there. A listening ear when I s...

I'm scrambling with thoughts overrunning my attempts to type as I try to write it all out. I've been staring at a lot of conversation and criticism that I can't fully understand.  Why does who someone loves or is attracted to matter so much? Why is it so threatening? Who someone decides to be with shouldn't effect others that damn much.  Just thinking about this is getting me oddly emotional. Intimacy is more than romance. And romance is so much more than sex. Therefore intimacy is so much more than sex. And we miss that.  When people talk about the person they want to be in a relationship with they want to be, who they want to be with, they think of a lot of things. They think about the journey of life and who they want to let in to see it all. Now that sharing is the real secret. It's the genuine intimacy. It's so much more than sex and lust. It's the little things that are truly intimate. It's looking at someone and feeling safe, being able to share y...

People think about things that effect them first. And the amount of interaction they have with an issue is directly correlated to how much they contemplate it. Because of that I think it's easy for people who are part of the LBTQIA+ community to forget that there are those who never questioned their sexuality or gender identity.  For some of us navigating complex emotional and identity crises is part of existing in a heteronormative culture. We find ourselves analyzing how we fit in society. But it's a unique experience to us.  For the majority of the population that just didn't happen. It doesn't cross their minds. They're straight. They're a man or a woman. They just exist in the world. Unless you experience something different, or care deeply about someone who experiences something different it's just an abstract. It's not something to worry about.  There's something to say about life and thoughts just going on. There is no motivation to do so and...

This one is going to be a little shorter. It's just been something that I've really been stewing over.  I don't want to rile things up too much but I'm really really struggling with something.  Given recent legislation in Florida about what's appropriate to teach children about sexuality I've been thinking and wracking my brain. To those who support that legislation and similar endeavors I have some questions.  What is an acceptable amount of representation? How much of a same sex relationship is okay for children to view and at what age?  I've seen some posts of people discussing various popular media recently, about the danger (at worst) or impropriety (at best) in their eyes of watching depictions of bisexual, gay, and lesbian relationships in media. One of the ones I saw was a breakdown of the recent season of Willow.  It concerns me. Some of the people in my kid's lives that I've appreciated a lot are members of the LGBTQIA+ community. We've...

“How are you doing?"  I really really struggle to answer this question. It's sobering to realize how few people you can really talk to.  So now I’m going to be almost hypocritical and write about it.  How do I avoid lying while balancing privacy? How do I find the line between appropriate and oversharing?  When it comes to my physical or mental wellbeing on the day to day I struggle to honestly answer that question. I have to answer it in layers.  Layer 1: I want to answer the obligatory “good” and move on. But that isn’t always truthful. “I’m doing” works. It doesn’t lie. But it doesn’t blow things up. That's where it starts and ends. The problem is if people know you too well. They don't buy it. So onward, deeper. Layer 2: "I'm tired" or "I have a migraine" are the go to responses. Both are almost always true. Or at least one of them is at all times. It’s usually a level of understanding you can have with most co-workers, extended family, teac...

Today is my anniversary. Wedding anniversary. And I've never missed my old facebook page more. Years and years of photos and memories are gone. So I'm putting these memories in some places more permanent. Where they can matter even more.   See Emma and I have been through a lot. We've shared a lot of photos, a lot of trials. And a lot of laughs. No one makes me laugh more. Makes me more sure of myself than her. From the moment I met her. To Now. I'm in Awe.   No one I know is more compassionate, capable, or motivated than my wife. And I get to call her that.  Four kids (and a crazy cat in the middle) later and I'm amazed at where all we've been. How far we've come. We've survived a military enlistment, multiple moves, multiple job changes, a pandemic, and we're here. Emma racked up a bachelor's degree summa cum laude while managing a house of four kids and working at school with the older two. Now she works in Health Information Management and i...

I haven't been able to manage my time all day. It's just been relying on others or alarms for the most basic of things. I can't focus on anything, I want to break down and just sleep for awhile. I cooked dinner and lunch and breakfast. Didn't eat a single meal. Just a handful of olives and a couple taste tests of rice while cooking.  That was my day.  At work tonight, slogged through classes. Slogged. Struggled. The little free time I had. Started 7 pieces, wrote on 5, and finished this little one. That's what I could handle.  I didn't get near enough done that I "should". It made it harder on people.  I'm sick of it. I know they are too. 

 When I look at biblical stories and heroes there’s a few that always spring to my mind. Peter and the Apostles, Nicodemus, Shadrach Meshach and Abednego, and finally Jonathan son of Saul and his friendship with David. They should have been enemies. Yet they chose to be the best of friends. Jonathan was the son of the King of Israel, Saul. Before the anointing of David he was in line for the throne. He was the crown prince. Given everything most would want. Yet even with all of that privilege he set it aside. For a friend. See David wasn't in line for the throne. But he was prophetically chosen and anointed for the role. Saul didn't appreciate it. And it determined the relationship between Saul and David. It began with suicide mission, and ended in war.  Through it all Jonathan and David had a friendship that they made a covenant over. Now that's stood out to me lately. When we think of covenants and the actions and agreements they bind, certain things come to mind. One, ba...

I've been thinking a lot about love. There’s a reason the Greeks have so many words for it. How they specify it. There's a reason that those who studied the classics more than we do looked at the word love differently than we do, and viewed relationships and friendships differently than we do. The more reading and pondering I've done lately the more I've changed how I view the relationships in my life. I'm not going to take the time here to define each of the Greek loves or how they pertain to my life, but I want to talk about how my views have changed.  I used to think I fell in love with my best friend. But it’s so much more than that. She and I are more than that.  I’ve been thinking about the circles we have in our lives. The relationships that are part of them. Closest is my wife. Always will be. We chose, we committed, and she’s my everything. It’s a unique and special relationship that I never want to take for granted. But it's deeper than friendship. It...

When we talk about challenges we usually focus on the one facing it. This is especially true of challenges that involve physical or mental challenges and disabilities. We rightfully talk about struggles, progress, and effort. We look at accommodations and aid. In all this I worry that we don't talk about those around them enough.  Spouses, partners, children, siblings, parents, friends. Those who love us who struggle. They pay a pretty price. They truly give so much to help us. To survive at times along us. To keep their own heads above water. I often underestimated the personal sacrifices people around me made.  Change is hard and progress is hard. And it can be even harder not for the person changing but for those most involved in their lives. I know we often talk about how hard it can be to see changes in ourselves but it can be even more difficult for those who care for us to see them. If the daily needs and support haven't yet changed then it can be hard to see any of the...

 Now I've been in a place where I've been doing a lot of reflecting and thinking. This page of digital text is the result of that. It's a stream of consciousness that began and was deleted four times before I decided to really let things rip.  I know that not everyone has the perfect family. Or feels comfortable addressing there's in any fashion. But it's all I could think about lately.  The complexity of parent-child relationships, of sibling relationships can never be understated. Families are complicated. They're tricky. They're almost universally flawed. Yet they're what ground us. They're home. But they change. They're eventually replaced on the scale of importance.  It's interesting how consuming our families are as children. A mother starts as a baby's entire world and it only grows from there. A toddler's world is filled with familiar faces. And at that age we don't realize it. It's strange that I never realized the mo...