Types of Relationships

I've been thinking a lot about love. There’s a reason the Greeks have so many words for it. How they specify it. There's a reason that those who studied the classics more than we do looked at the word love differently than we do, and viewed relationships and friendships differently than we do. The more reading and pondering I've done lately the more I've changed how I view the relationships in my life. I'm not going to take the time here to define each of the Greek loves or how they pertain to my life, but I want to talk about how my views have changed. 

I used to think I fell in love with my best friend. But it’s so much more than that. She and I are more than that. I’ve been thinking about the circles we have in our lives. The relationships that are part of them. Closest is my wife. Always will be. We chose, we committed, and she’s my everything. It’s a unique and special relationship that I never want to take for granted. But it's deeper than friendship. It's physically intimate. It's the choice to literally give yourself to another.

I find it interesting that it’s the deepest bond. Deeper than parent and child. Deeper than sibling. There are people that may arguably know you better, and have definitely known you longer than a spouse.  But the bond is not as strong in healthy relationships as the bond with your spouse. Because you chose your spouse. It’s an active position you took. And it's also borne on a physical intimacy we can never afford to undersell. And it's a bond that can be broken. All of those aspects are intrinsic to the uniqueness of a spousal relationship and the intensity of intimacy that accompanies it. 

Now I don’t say this to undersell the power and bonds of family. We can have great relationships with parents throughout our lives. Siblings can be best friends. Or parents and children can grow apart, and siblings can be enemies. Some siblings bond more with specific siblings over others and vice versa. The bonds determined by circumstance is more tenuous than the one determined by choice. We have to remember that. Not all of us let our family in as deep as our spouse. Or even some friends. And that's okay. It doesn't diminish the relationships. It shows how they grow and change. I know that my relationship with my children, which is totally precious to me will eventually be superseded by others in their lives. It's the way it goes. They'll have friends, they'll eventually partner off with someone. That's how it's supposed to be. Yet there is always a connection. How strong and related to a relationship than connection is, that's up to us. 

When I look at those I’ve chosen to let in, to be the true friends, it's a contrast to the friendships that are shallower and more transient. See friends, acquaintances, colleagues, they all come and go. The relationships ebb and flow. They just do. Something interesting that happens is that relationships that were at one point deep and intense may fade, and others may gain prominence. That's life. I've felt the depth of my deepest circle increase as the diameter has shrunk dramatically. A few people know me the deepest. Yet the amount of people I know in my life continues to grow. 

That's the interesting thing about spousal, familial, and friend relationships. They all fill a role in our lives.  And those roles can be specific yet complimentary. We truly need them all. Now I want to state unequivocally that the most important roles and relationships are as a spouse and a parent, especially as a spouse. And that's what makes things interesting.

Now I talk to my wife about everything. We coordinate our lives around each other. We share dreams, fears, and invest in each other. She's my all or nothing. I mean that. Yet I still need friends. Which I know may sound weird. But my wife hasn't shared all of the experiences in my life, all of my interests. So there are some close friends in my life that I rely. That support me with my wife. That encourage and strengthen. That helps my family. I've watched my wife develop and continue strong bonds with her siblings into adulthood. Those are people that are her friends and confidants in a way. We both have true relationships with people that know us in ways that we don't know each other. People who experienced different things around us than our spouse has. And at this stage in life I’m finding out how precious it ALL is.

To be there for other people. To have people in your life in different ways. It enriches us, and it enriches others. 

From a more spiritual perspective it enables us to be more like Christ, that's what he did. He connected with people he helped people. 

We will have different levels of connection in our lives. Yet we can always, always, always be kind and try to serve others. That kindness that love of our fellow man can transcend beyond the depth of relationship that we share. Yet almost paradoxically with a variety of relationships with depth I would argue we do not know the love that we are capable of sharing with others. That's what's so important.

I can't get through this life alone. Without my wife I would be lost. Without my parents I wouldn't have the skills or capabilities to navigate life. And without a few close friends that have shared experiences I would be lacking in my ability to process through my trials. That's why it's all important. That's why the Greeks had it right. I think we can learn from that.