Burning Out in the Time of COVID

Maybe it's compassion fatigue. Maybe it's something else. But all I wanted to do in the entry of that ICU was go home and sleep in my bed with my wife. Instead I was in my own head watching my best friend run supplies to the crash team working on a COVID patient. 

I don't know what made me feel worse, the lack of empathy for the guy who was actively crashing and suffering, or the fact I felt like I needed help too. 

That's what's killing us in healthcare right now. We're physically and mentally burnt out. We're beyond tired, we're exhausted. It's becoming more and more difficult to keep just doing our job. A lot of people a lot more eloquent than I have written on the subject. I'm sure others will continue to as well. But I felt I had to speak up. Just scream into cyberspace for a minute. Both out of frustration, but also what to do about it. 

I just want to yell, "What about me?" or " Can I get a break here?" But there's not time for that. And here's a few reasons why. A few struggles, and the challenge it takes to face them. 

One, I want to do so much more than I'm allowed to do. I know how to intubate, I know how to drop IVs like the best of them. But I can't in my current role. So I'm getting certified again, for parts of my skillset. And I'm going to find ways to use my experience all over again.

Two, I'm facing obstacles I didn't expect. Physically and mentally. I'm struggling more than I've let on. I need to take care of myself so I can keep up with others. 

Three, I'm struggling to feel empathy and sympathy for people who do not mitigate risk in this pandemic. A lack of vaccination and masking is making my blood boil. And when some of those people become patients, well then I struggle. I am praying, fasting, to not cave to anger on this.

Four, I'm sick of COVID stopping me from getting treatment for conditions I need help with. I just have to keep chugging along on that front. Eventually we'll get me treated too. Others jump the line. That's triage in a pandemic. I can accept it, but I have to remain proactive. I have to.

Five, I wish I could just talk about my job and the struggle without it turning into a political shouting contest. I just have to play things close to my chest.

Six, why the hell am I the clean aid this shift with sleeping patients? Trying to just sit back and watch is hard. 

It's a strange mixed bag of emotions. I used to be in on codes, now for the time being I'm not, especially tonight. I'm struggling hard and often feel like I come up short. And through it all I'm becoming more and more bitter and angry.

But I'm trying. It's practicing medicine. Not perfecting it. I'm just a lowly EMT/Phlebotomist who was an Army medic working in a CNA role 90% of the time. That's ok. It might be what I need to reset my direction. 

Or so I can hope. Luckily my wife will be there when my shift ends. I can text or call my best friend later. I have my people to talk to. I'm not in danger. Not even close. This code will work itself out one way or another. So I can go about my week until my next shift. One step at a time. Working through this crazy time. 

I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I just wonder who else feels like me. Burnt out. Exhausted. Yet still going, still breathing.