Authenticity and Honesty in Worship

 I just find that I’m struggling so much more than I thought I would to feel connected in a church family. The ironic part of this situation is that the more I find hope, light, and truth the more I find myself disconnected in a congregational setting.

Now part of this is strangely connected to trying to do what the prophet has asked of us in a practical sense. And the more I do that the more I face criticism and ostracism from members of my faith. 

There are times I truly struggled with the doctrine of the church as a youth and even recently as an adult. 

Through those struggles I always knew that the atonement of Christ was real. That Jesus was truly my savior. It was a really hard fought and hard won testimony. But it was the literal rock I had at that time.

It’s interesting to note that at that time I struggled with 

the practical application of the church’s standards and expectations I often privately wavered. But I felt the need to outwardly in sync with those around me. All in all I was a good kid. But I felt like a hypocrite.

I’m ashamed to say I now question some of my honesty at that time. I was willing to do things because I was told. I never questioned publicly. I just struggled with them.

What compounded this was the culture that surrounds some standards of the church. Teachings get expounded and added upon. Personal actions to maintain standards become treated with equivalence to gospel.

I never found my way to address that discrepancy at that time. And I felt lost. 

That’s changed now. I’ve done my best to truly understand the relationship of the doctrine and standards. To recognize what was culture and tradition versus what was actually part of the gospel.

I stripped things down to the basics in an almost zealous manner. I truly dug as deeply as I could into what the savior taught me. Into the experiences I had with the atonement in my life. The times I had felt redemption in my life.

Stripping things to that simplicity made it easier to follow the standards that came from those who I had faith had prophetic authority. It became easier to decipher was a necessary standard, a commandment, and what were personal cultural and traditional decisions to meet the standards. The irony of these was that I began to question more often and more deeply. I began and still weigh things out more. And I’m more honest about the struggles I feel to meet these standards that I desire to follow.

There’s a second irony. It’s harder to develop relationships with the congregation I attend but easier to share the gospel. See the authenticity that I feel, that I feel compelled to live and share breaks molds. There’s are cultural aspects of the church, traditions that aren’t doctrinal or gospel that I break. Political affiliations, and family traditions that I’ve turned away from. I did that to live the gospel more fully. To follow the prophet more closely.

That’s the irony of finally being honest, being authentic about how I live the gospel. I feel less connected to the congregations I attend. Over the past few years supporting DACA as the church does, supporting refugees, sharing and asking people to mask and vaccinate, those actions have been a lightning rod for negative interactions in the church. As I followed the prophet my politics changed. My relationships did. 

Yet I feel more immovable in my testimony. I feel more desires to share it. To connect with people. 

My circle of friends is a little tighter. My relationship with my wife and family is deepening. And my prayers are much more real and authentic. 

I haven’t gotten the connections I expected, but I feel like I can live the life my Heavenly Father expects of me.