Why I’m here. An update.

After conference weekend I’ve got a mixed bag of emotions. But I see myself coming down in the same place. I’m still a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I don’t see that changing either. 

As someone with a bit of nuance in this space I’ve heard it from people on both sides. Why do I stay in the church? I’ve always told people it’s for the sacrament. I’ve told people it’s because I’ve had spiritual experiences that I can’t deny. And all of that is true. But it’s more. A little bit at least.

The Book of Mormon means a lot to me. As a book of scripture it really helped clarify and focus my belief in Christ and his divinity. Without it I don’t think I would hold onto Christ as much as I do spiritually; especially in regards to the atonement and resurrection. Yes there is plenty in the Bible I draw upon. But there is something more, deeper, and different when it comes to the Book of Mormon. If I had to pick a single passage of scripture that’s saved me over and over it would be Alma 7:11-13 (really the whole chapter). It helped me realize how much of Christ is about growing flowers compared to pulling the weeds of my life. How much I can overcome. So that’s a huge part of why. 

Christ himself plays the second part. My greatest spiritual moments regarding Christ himself have been in this church. It’s that simple. 

Finally doctrinally the plan of salvation resonates with me. A godhead and non trinitarian view matter. The need for restoration, clarification, and continuing revelation are beliefs and practices that really do inform who I am. Am I hundred percent aligned theologically with my chosen church. No. But it’s the closest to what inherently speaks to me. 

So those are the main reasons I stay. 

But there are things that make it hard. I’ve written about these a lot. I still wrestle with them. Will continue to. So I’m just going to be honest. There’s three right now. 

Being queer and what that means in the church. Strides have been made since I was a closeted bi kid. But not enough. There’s a lot of work that needs to be done. Especially at the congregation level. But still some at the highest doctrinal points. People want to love and be loved. I’m one of the lucky ones when it comes to who my spouse is. With the lovely wife I have it’s easier to stay than it is for so many. 

Next. The politics of it all. The assumption of conservatism. Even a conservatism that often doesn’t align with the nuanced officials positions of the church when it comes to LGBTQ+ rights, immigration, abortion, vaccines, and religious liberty. It’s strange to espouse a political position of the church and be called a progressive moron who’s misguided. That disconnect still harms and hurts. I’m trying to find the practical way through it.

Finally the church’s current policy for reporting abuse scares me. I worry about clergy not having the capability to properly care and counsel in these difficult traumatic situations. And I worry we’re more focused on the repentance and redemption of the perpetrator than the support of victims. 

It’s a difficult balance sheet. So. I’m staying. And trying to practice my faith in a way that lifts me up instead of harms me.