Wish I could be sure but I'm a doubter

I grapple with where I am. I do not understand how so many people have such surety over all of their decisions. Especially when it comes to faith. This isn't meant to be a critique. No this being approached from a place of envy as a doubting Thomas. And that cuts two ways. Doubting what I learn and doubting myself. 

I'm of the opinion that we have to analyze all sides. We need to gain as much information as possible, determine what's credible and analyze it. We also need to be humble enough to admit when we can't determine credibility or have the ability to properly evaluate what we're learning. We also have to be open to changing our minds. 

This works so well in academic, research, clinical, or scientific environments. It's also a place where I've spent a lot of time and study to develop the skills to do it more effectively. 

The problem is that doesn’t work with spirtuality and faith. At least not for me. 

I’ve tried the apologetics games. Really really dug down into the dogma doctrines and theology. But the problem is you can’t prove or disprove it. Not by any academic standard. The closest you can get is some history but mostly philosophy. But most of the time the history doesn’t stack up to the other records and current standards. And philosophy is just hypothetical in most of my experience. It’s useful for qualifying logic. But in practice, well it goes out the window.

That’s where I wind up with faith. With spirituality. The experiential. I can’t go scripture for scripture like I used to attempt to do. I can’t convince someone of my faith. I can only describe it. And even then it’s hard for me to do that. Fleeting moments of the divine. The contact and expression of something higher. It’s a patchwork of little moments that have built something greater than the sum of its parts. 

But it’s fragile. Really fragile. The doubt slips in everywhere. One piece here. One piece there. Finding little fissures to exploit one piece at a time.

Some doubt is the lack of evidence that often is used. The Bible, The Book of Mormon and other scriptures don’t always line up well with historical sources. The literalism and inerrancy of scripture just don’t work for me for that reason. I learn a lot from scripture. But I can’t take it as anything more than spiritual guidance at this point. That leads to some doubt, some worry. When my beliefs don’t match up with others. 

Some doubt comes from theological arguments. How differently interpretations can happen. Who gets to decide them. When what makes perfect sense to me doesn’t align with others there’s a sense of unease. A sense of doubt. Continuing debate and contention over doctrines and theology don’t settle it for me either. 

Some doubt comes from conflicting experiences. Dealing professionally with addiction, serving in military service, working trauma calls, hospice, it’s changes you. Having your own trauma creates wounds. Physical and mental that cause scars that remain regardless of healing. Close observations can cause micro cuts, either causing their own scars or reopening others. Pain causes doubt. Either from the cause or in yourself. Worth, capability, fear. All effected. All lead to questioning. Leading potentially to that doubt. 

Some doubt comes from a perceived lack of blessings. This one gets really personal. But the idea of doing the right thing and not seeing the benefits. That’s a huge stumbling block. We often hear a version of  prosperity gospel. Righteousness is supposed to bless us temporally and spiritually. When physical health, financial stability, adequate housing, exposure to suffering still happens you doubt your standing. Disparity in privilege and blessings really drive doubt. Especially when you see your desires out of reach. You question what you’re doing wrong. Seeing people who you perceive as doing the wrong thing succeeding adds jealousy to the doubt. It’s a vicious stew. Probably the most malicious doubt on this list. 

Some of the doubt comes from my own emotional regulatory issues. Bipolar. Unmitigated and ungrounded mania and depression. In recent years I’ve gotten more balanced with meds and therapy. Awareness leads to that. When we learn about fruits of the spirit we learn about positive emotions defining them. When you lack control of mood it leads to an insecurity. That insecurity needs to be addressed or it turns to doubt. 

Some of the doubt comes from intrusive thoughts. The other curse of bipolar goes deeper than mood. It’s the thoughts, the delusions of grandeur, the potential hallucinations. You second guess spiritual highs in time. Some of it rightfully so. Some may be too cautious. And it’s unavoidable. 

So I doubt. I muddle through. And I have holy envy for those that just know. Cause like hope doubt stacks. It’s the balance. And what’s a healthy amount of doubt or skepticism in my processional life seems to derail my spiritual. I have to fight for hope. I have to fight for faith. So I’m trying to listen to those that just know. And see what I can learn.

I’ve got a list of doubts. Addressing them takes their own work. But I’m willing to live with them. It’s part of my experience. And I have to make sure they don’t make me feel unworthy.