Conference Weekend for the disconnected

Saturday is a start for another conference weekend. I'm going to give it the due I can. This time I'm hoping to get some clarity. 

For about two years now I've been hanging on to church by taking the sacrament when I can. I'm just struggling to be connected to the body of the church like I used too. 

Physical struggles, literal debilitation sinking in, mental health strain, have all worked to make daily life difficult. Participation in most spheres of my life is more difficult. It's the meaning of disability. But I'd be giving short shrift if I didn't acknowledge other aspects.

The church's policies on LGBT issues, abuse reporting policies have also given real pause. They are struggles I'm still actively addressing. 

I try to reconcile my experience with scripture. With more modern teachings and sometimes I'm successful and sometimes I'm not. I have faith. I have spiritual experiences that have shaped me. But I would be lying if I said there was never doubt. Never inconsistency. 

As much as I can't deny my spiritual aspects. I can't express enough how much my military experience, my own physical and mental health struggles, and my experience counseling and advocating has changed me. 

I work with the downtrodden every day. And it brings me meaning. It makes my own challenges seem to have hope. 

But I don't know how to share that where I worship. 

That's why I'm hoping for some enlightenment and connection. It's sad, but I feel more connection currently from the sources physically furthest from me. Both the top down writings of the leaders of the church, and scriptures written historically. 

I want to connect. I just feel my experience is so different from those in the pews around me that it often becomes insurmountable. 

All I want is to be seen. To be heard. That's all any of us want right? Why is it so hard?

Is it our desire for perfection? Is it our difficulty to feel empathy? I don't know. But something has created gulfs and gaps. I wish I could bridge. 

My closest relationships are my wife, my best friend who's out of my faith, and three fellow former soldiers (one feeling the same disconnect as me), all across the country. 

The ability to share without judgement. With understanding. Is a precious gift. And one I'm struggling to feel at church. 

I hope that changes. 

So I'll look at the macro instead of the micro for fellowship and enlightenment. 

I want to hear about Christ. I hope to hear some of the current struggles addressed. I hope to see myself reflected somewhere. 

So I can be rooted again. Grounded somewhere.