5 Hesitations

Falls coming. Leaves are changing. And maybe I am too.

So it was General Conference weekend. That biannual (semi-annual?) time of year. The leadership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints addresses the body of the church. 

Given some of my current struggles and misgivings it may seem strange to some that I watched all of it. Pen in hand. A notebook open; my old journal that's been beat down. A lot of furious ink and scratching. My increasingly difficult handwriting becoming increasingly indecipherable. But I did find some clarity.

I still have some misgivings. I'm still searching, striving for answers. But I got some clarity.

My faith. My spirituality. My relationship with divinity. It's foundationally there. Stronger than ever. 

I'm done focusing on the little minutia. I'm looking at big picture, larger challenges I'm having. Fundamental, "me and God" stuff.

Five things. Hesitations. I'll elaborate. But here they are.

1. Submission and consent

2. Why isn't the main evaluation of sin harm?

3. How we prioritize victims and perpetrators in a spiritual paradigm.

4. Authenticity and integrity in testimony.

5. Sexuality, intersex, confusion, not fitting experience 

Ok first, the idea of consent in relationships wasn't something discussed. Agency yes. Submitting yes. Consent. Not fully. We seek meekness, humility and we should. With God. But too often that turns into submitting to other people, not just him. And not enough consideration is given. Honoring parents, submitting to spouses, following leadership, all can be coercive. Power dynamics. Consent isn't discussed enough. That needs to change in my opinion. And it's bothering me. 

Secondly I struggle with anything that doesn't harm another being considered a sin. Simple as that. I don't know how else to say it. Especially with how we prioritize the danger and severity of sin. The earlier point about consent really applies to this as well for me. 

Next I understand intellectually that salvation is for all. All are equal in the eyes of God. That means ALL. So the salvation of a victim and a perpetrator can be equal theologically. But in practicality I worry that we neglect victims, focus more spiritual aid and guidance on those committing the harm. I feel wrong about that. I think that it needs to change.

Compliance and conformity seem preferred to authenticity and genuine intention in our culture. Questioning is considered outright rebellion. Belonging is hard to feel. Hard to find. There needs to be space. More space for people to be and believe as their faith allows. The honesty that vulnerability would allow. It would do wonders. 

Finally the overarching issues, the LGBT+ community and the church is a huge struggle for me. I feel there is a black hole that leads to discrimination. Forces people to be quieter about who they are and how they feel. But those experiences need to be heard. We need them. I struggle to see people suffer. And that will only change if we hear their voices. 

Those are the five things. All relate.

I'm not talking about a hotline, because these issues are the issues, the struggle that comes from talking about it. 

I don't have answers. I may never. I'm getting to be more okay with that. 

I have my bedrock. The roots. Christ. Atonement. Family. Beyond that. Things aren't as focused as they used to be.