Sleepless nights can be for praying

 Dear God,

What are we going to do?

I fret. I worry. I toss and turn. I can't lose the sleep that I'm not having. It's a forgone conclusion. 

So I'm just talking. Without thinking. Letting these thoughts race. 

There are too many suffering. Too many worrying. So much more than me.

I have been given much alongside my trials, my tribulations, my sorrows. I can't ever lose sight of that.

But tonight. These days. I struggle to go to work without shaking. I struggle to concentrate. And I don't think I'm alone. 

I may be considered a snowflake for this. A bleeding heart. That's just who I am. I care. 

I know these prayers are usually private. That's the way I was raised. And in my streams of consciousness that's usually how it goes. But right not my heart is breaking. And words on a page makes the most sense to me. Is cathartic. Necessary for me.

What can I do? Other than shouting in the void. Other than the limited work I keep doing day after day. 

It doesn't seem enough. It's getting harder and harder. 

It's not burnout. I've been there before. I'm not there right now. I've pushed through times of challenge. But there is a growing sense of futility and a questioning of purpose that's new. 

It's draining.

How can one love everybody? How can one keep that spark to help alive? When there's so much pain around.

How do you let people hurt? How do you allow them to hurt each other?

How can you stand people praising pain in your name?

I'm struggling to help those in my sphere. Without a level of rage.

I want to take pain away. But I can't.

And I'm even willing to live with my own. If those I love could be spared. But I don't know if my pain and effort is enough. Or if I'm spending and prioritizing it right.

Just let me sleep tonight. Through the wind pounding this window.

But if I can't give me the strength to get through tomorrow.

Let me meet the needs of my wife and kids. Get through my work. Be there for those who I can help.

That's the root of the prayer.

That's what I need a savior for. 

To get through another day. And not for me.