Nothing has troubled my faith more

 This way may be a struggle for some people. I don't think it's going to be on "either side" of the issue. It's just me placing words to my very tumultuous thoughts. I've been ruminating on too many night shifts on this one. 

There has been an AP article exposing horrific sexual abuse over the course of years. Sexual abuse that occurred after a bishop reached out to the church's hotline. The article was then rebutted by the church. They call into question some of the timeline and reporting. The day of the church's rebuttal an Arizona judge ruled clerical privilege would not apply in the case and no records could be withheld. Also there was a podcast released with more information with the author of the original article.

For many members of the church the response from the church was enough to assuage any fears. It increased their confidence. Why question anymore? Why feel uneasy? Why doubt? 

I wasn't one of them. This has been gnawing at me for a few days. I think I know the primary reasons why now.      

First is who wrote the article. It's Michael Rezendes. That name may not be a household name to everyone. But he's part of the Spotlight team from The Boston Globe that broke the Catholic sex abuse scandal. That piece of knowledge seems to have two reactions. One, that he cares deeply about the subject. Two, he's targeting religious organizations (read for attention or maliciously). I'm not going to get into his motivations. I can't judge him. But I can say that he is skilled reporter, with experience in these matters, and he's committed to his task. The fact he's done the research he has is compelling. I can not dismiss it. And frankly the further information from the podcast seems to directly contradict some of the church's rebuttal. It's been entirely unsettling for me. 

Second, more distressing for me. We found out the bishop in question was a doctor. We also found out he was the physician of the mother of the children in question. Yet he didn't report. The church's hotline told him not too. I'm floored with that because doctors are mandatory reporters. I get that conflict with ecclesiastical obligations. But he was a mandatory reporter. By licensure I'm a mandatory reporter twice over, by occupation I am as well. I've received various training and been a reporter at times already in my career. Abuse is real to me. Not only have I been a reporter, I've been a caretaker for abuse victims several times. I struggle to see how someone who's seen anything similar to me, been through any of the same training would withhold a report. Would be counseled not to report. Which leads me to the thing that's been bothering me the most.

The church placed the hotline under the purview of the risk department. I struggle to think why in any manner that's not malicious or self serving. It's the aspect of this entire scenario that's struck me the most. I'm reeling. 

That's why I'm writing this. Because it's led me to more prayer. More introspection. I've read scripture. I've sought solace in pondering and meditation. And I'm more torn and split than when I started.

A walk on the river didn’t solve this. A conversation with people who’ve held a stronger conviction through this hasn’t.

Life hasn’t been easy the past few weeks. And the troubling I feel is something new. I’ve been never felt my faith more troubled. Nothing. Nothing has troubled my faith more.

I can't separate entirely my experience and training from the rest of my brain and experience. I also can't deny the spiritual experiences I've had that exist in another realm of my understanding. 

There have been struggles and questions I've had that I've often had to take on faith. Money in the church. The treatment and understanding of the LGBT+ community. Polygamy. Aspects of the word of wisdom.

All of those things came into a place where I could work through some of this. I relied on my faith. That faith was rooted (and still is) in Christ. The man. The son of god. The one who atoned for my sins, all sins. Who taught us how to be better, do better than we were. There's a spiritual connection, a conversion that I can't deny that exists. And it's splintering, changing with this one. 

I have a testimony of the gospel. I have a conviction in Christ. I'm struggling to feel that in the church now. I used to, freely and often. I'm struck by this incident.

It's my hope more information comes from the church. That changes are made. That the fallibility of men in running a church and administering Christ's gospel is addressed. If it isn't, I'm struggling, for a long time. 

I hope that if you're struggling too, you know you're not alone. 

Staying or leaving, you're not alone. Your choice is valid. And rational. With the gravity of this one.