Out of the blue, you ever feel like crying?

 You ever have a night where you just feel like crying? Out of the blue, for no reason, the tears just start piling up behind the eyes?

Now I'm not talking about depression. I've been there, I have t-shirt. That's more pervasive than what I'm talking about. It's in more facets of your life. 

No I'm talking about a sudden cloudburst of emotion. A wave out of nowhere. For a moment, a few hours tops. 

This happens to me every once in a while. Sometimes the tears come unbidden, other times I can hold them back for a day. 

Tonight I could hold them back.

It's weird, this isn't nostalgia. It's not mourning for someone lost. It's not an acute sadness. It's not listening to the song or watching a movie that triggers it.

No this hits faster and harder.

As best I can tell, it's the powder keg blowing it's lid. It's a oxygen cylinder with too much pressure. It's the dam breaking. 

We all have stress in life. We all have ups and downs. And our minds and even our bodies all individually react to that differently. I'm trying to listen to mine a little bit better.

I have the propensity to live either on the upper end of the spectrum or the bottom. It's called being bipolar. Mania/hypomania on one end, that depression on the other. Uncontrolled. Unregulated. Swinging erratically one season, and expectedly cycling the next. The only way to get a grip for me is medication. And for the longest time, I was worried it would numb me. That'd make me a zombie. But it hasn't. Now I'm recognizing other emotions, other feelings more regularly. Including these.

The frequency of these cloud bursts, the acuity of the them; they've increased. The latter greater than the former. It's interesting because being more level, I notice things a little easier than I used to. There's more of a separation to what I'm feeling and experiencing. There's more categorization, differentiation than high or low. 

So I feel these waves. I feel the emotion purely now. It's not amplified and consuming, it's savored. That's the best way I can describe it. And I look forward to feeling those emotions now, instead of scared. 

My moods were intimidating. The depression was easy to see as a dark cloud and omnipresence that weighed me down. The mania lied to me. It was enticing, but left you ragged, worn, and disappointed. Fun in the moment, but equally damaging and exhausting to my psyche. Either end of the spectrum collected and ran with emotional states to unsustainable extremes.

Now I can feel a moment of tenderness. Of sadness. And embrace it where it's at. Experience the unique intensity and range of feeling that's there. 

There's an authenticity that was missing from the absolute lack of control and regulation. I didn't control my emotions they controlled me.  

If I would have felt this wave of emotions 8 months ago it would have sent me spiraling downward. I would be often scared to experience it. But I was missing out. I was missing the pang of sadness that brings solace in a moment. Brings clarity. Makes joy sweeter. 

I didn't know what I was missing. Now I do. And I just hope I'm better for it. With more genuine tears, and a brighter smile. When it's time for them.