How hard it is for those who love us

When we talk about challenges we usually focus on the one facing it. This is especially true of challenges that involve physical or mental challenges and disabilities. We rightfully talk about struggles, progress, and effort. We look at accommodations and aid. In all this I worry that we don't talk about those around them enough. 

Spouses, partners, children, siblings, parents, friends. Those who love us who struggle. They pay a pretty price. They truly give so much to help us. To survive at times along us. To keep their own heads above water. I often underestimated the personal sacrifices people around me made. 

Change is hard and progress is hard. And it can be even harder not for the person changing but for those most involved in their lives. I know we often talk about how hard it can be to see changes in ourselves but it can be even more difficult for those who care for us to see them. If the daily needs and support haven't yet changed then it can be hard to see any of the progression. 

When we look at what is on a caregiver's plate it can be overwhelming. Often it's not only the burden of directly caring (emotionally or physically) for their loved one, but the burden of the providing as well. The mental load and responsibility borne can not be understated or underestimated. 

Now I don't say any of this to discourage those who fight mental or physical ailments and disabilities. Those struggles are ever apparent and oh so real. No, I'm writing this to bring up the fact that no man is an island. We never get to struggle alone. It's rarely just the person who's suffering from an ailment struggling, it's all of those around them who have to help bear the burden.

In my own life I've suffered a lot of setbacks. Two thumb surgeries, a few broken bones, a shoulder surgery, concussions, and debilitating chronic migraines. That's just the physical stuff. I've also dealt with ADHD, PTSD, and periods that feature depression and/or anxiety. I've been that one who is struggling. And a lot of this stuff requires a lot of work and concerted effort to overcome. 

I have to be proud of that progress, and just the fight that it takes some days to keep moving forward. But I have to be real about how any setback, or any trial I face, and how it impacts those around me. Tossing and turning at night can keep my wife awake. I'm have challenges emotionally or mentally, it's going to effect her. I'm recovering from surgery and can't do a household chore she has to pick it up. Those are just the day to day struggles. What I add to her plate.

That doesn't cover that mental load I mentioned earlier. If I had a set back, or am emotionally distressed, that wears on the mind of my wife. Often she's the only one that knows I'm struggling. So not only is she carrying this mental load but she's often alone in it. She doesn't always have the support I have, because she is that literal support.

Now we are a team. We're in this together. This journey called life. But I can't ignore the fact that in sickness and in health can be a burden. One I cause.

Having said all of this I want to mention a couple things we can do to share loads, to make things more manageable for those involved.

One, maintain completely open communication. If you're the one struggling you need to be open with your spouse about that. You have to ready to accept that challenges may not always be met with a positive reaction. And for the person in a more caretaking role, be ready to listen.

Two, all parties involved need to seek support networks. Counselors, therapists, at times clergy, trusted family and friends. Expand the load. Don't do it alone. It's ok to expand circles of trust, at times it's essential. It's ok for all parties to ask for help. For the person who is recovering or struggling, use good resources to face your challenges. For the caretaker, reach out for help yourself. 

Third, everyone needs to be doing self care. Taking time, doing things that make sure you're able and ready to care for each other.

If there is one thing I've found, nothing in life is easy. And I've often found that when I'm focusing on my own recovery or care, I can miss how hard it is for the person beside me enabling that. Often she has the harder job.

Loving someone, especially someone struggling, can be are a hard thing to do. Let's remember that. Empathize with those who care for us, so we can love each other a little better.