Am I? Asking the question.

There is something I’ve referenced at times in My writing that I want to address directly tonight. It’s question a lot of people ask themselves. It comes in various forms, am I gay? Am I bi? I think I have the answer to the question. It’s pretty simple.

Ready?

Here goes. If you never asked if the love you had for a same gendered friend was platonic friendship or infatuated affection you're straight. If you felt butterflies identical to a heterosexual crush or found yourself wondering if a friendly hug could turn into an embrace you’re bi or gay. See it’s pretty simple.

I recognize now how confusing it was to think a close friend is attractive and not be able to talk about it. To desire something that seemed so out of reach. Yet was so simple. 

I felt that way about boys and girls. Different individuals. There was infatuation greater than a friendship. More often than not unreturned. Regardless of gender. But looking back it was so obvious. 

It’s not some mystery. And people ebb and flow when it comes to attraction and identity. That’s to be sure but it ultimately isn’t complex or involved much more than this. Who did you crush on? Who did you want to hold hands with?

I think age and personal acceptance have rendered me some more clarity that it’s that simple: it shouldn’t be more complex than that.

It’s not likes or interests. Ok that’s just dumb. People are way too complex than that. It’s not colors. It’s not music choices. It’s not a vocal register. Sure there are trends. Partially because of society more than just something innate. Let’s just drop that once and for all. 

It’s just romance. From the innocent to the intimate. That’s why I talk about the mundane so much. Because that encapsulates it. Makes it understood. Who do you want to wake up next you. Build a life with. Or in the beginning get lunch and go for a walk holding hands. Simple as that. 

It’s not just recognizing someone is physically attractive. Humans know who is attractive in their here ok. Symmetry and body composition are visible to everyone. We judge ourselves compared to our perceived competition. Recognizing what’s attractive in the same gender as you is all that is. 

That’s why it’s not evil. It’s not corrupt. It’s not aberrant. It's just humanity. A desire for connection that reads as real. Comparisons to pedophilia, bestiality, and incest are just wrong. They just are. It takes what is a normal desire to hold hands. Build a relationship. Eventually reach a physicality in their intimacy. That's all. Consensual love and connection.

I think I’m fairly representative of most people I’ve talked to. The majority of people desire monogamy. Simple as that. A partner. It wasn’t about finding the right guy and girl. It was about finding the right person. Boy or girl. The PERSON. Singular. I’m so lucky I found her. Because she, single beautiful entity is who I need in my life. Period. She's the life partner I always wanted. She’s the person I chose. 

Yes physical intimacy matters. Always. And it’s intertwined with our emotional connections. It’s part of what people desire in partnership. But our meters can get screwed up. So often and I am concerned that opponents of the LGBTQ community just want to limit those relationships to just sexual acts. The desire for connection, for humanity, for a relationship reduced to acts. That's it. 

It leads people in large swaths of various communities to have no outlet and understanding of a most basic human emotion. To ask questions of who you're attracted to and want to build a life with. 

It shouldn’t be frightening to question but it sadly often is. Denial is huge. Learned internalized homophobia is a fact of life. Socialization matters. If you have no safe place to discuss these feeling with

We can do better to just listen and be there for people. Even when we don't understand what they are going through. That's my hope. To paint the picture. Of what it can be like.