Erasure

There's a term that doesn't get addressed much in my faith when it comes to identity and a sense of self and being. That term is erasure. Specifically the more tailored and informative term of bi-erasure. Many people who may read this may not be familiar with the term, others may think it's apologetics 

I think the problem I've ran into, the struggle I've had is that identity in my faith is most commonly correlated to one's behavior. When it comes to the topic of sexuality this becomes especially prevalent and I'm afraid misses the boat. 

I've written before about how I don't see my sexuality as a burden, no I see it as an inherent part of who I am. That idea is ambivalently addressed by my faith. At times that ambivalence or mystery is harmful. Questions often arise. Questions that I struggle to address.

Am I magically saved just because I’m married to my wife? As a married member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints it’s common knowledge that salvation and exaltation are inherently tied not only to marriage but sealing in the temple. 

 I feel this is the part where I have to address the fact that I am happily married to the person I never could have imagined would complete me as well as they have. Without her I’d be lost. It's a defining part of my life. Not the only defining aspect of my life or identity. 

But the idea that I'm happily married and living loyally and faithfully to my spouse does not eliminate my sexuality. Why would a monogamous relationship eliminate a large part of who I am? To many it does. Both in my faith community and to pieces of the LGBTQ+ community. The idea that you are straight or gay. That you can't be bi. That's bierasure and it's real. 

It's especially hurtful to me at times in the context of my faith. Even when it comes from a well meaning place. 

There's this idea that it's not identity at all in my faith. It's just sexual attraction. Same sex attraction of varying forms. 

I don't see that. I don't see that for a few reasons. Mostly romantic love, partnership is primarily not about sex, it's about sharing the mundane of the day to day. I feel that's the part that get's missed the most. If I was to limit any of my relationships to just the physical intimacy it would be severely lacking. If I limited my marriage to the physical acts of intimacy and procreation I'd be missing the vast majority of my relationship. My hopes and dreams. The day to day life. The personality and emotions. All of it. Everything. 

Second, when we see a straight person or a gay person living a life of celibacy we don't automatically assume they are asexual right. We don't think someone single is not interested in pursuing a relationship, they for some reason just aren't in one. Why would it be any different for someone who is bisexual? Why would my relationship status change my identity?

That's the place I'm at. Hiding in plain sight, and feeling unseen, unheard, and misunderstood. That I'm defined by my behaviors, my actions and nothing else. Nothing internal. Nothing that demonstrates the heart of me at times. 

I'm not one to say my orientation is all of my identity. I'm not sure how much of it is involved to be honest. But it feels like it is chased away, waved away, and in someway I'm diminished. 

As I watch discussions over LGBTQ rights unfold I worry people think that I'm just in agreement with the opposition. That assumptions are made (the kind I used to rely on). But I think I can't sit on the sidelines. I have to be in the game. Even if that means being misunderstood. Challenged. Or something else. Anything but erased.