Outside Looking In

There are aspects of my life I’m trying to reconcile. Any inquiry to the interested parties tells me to abandon the opposing aspects. 

A lot of times when I’m writing it’s about finding some enlightenment, profundity in what I’m experiencing. Not today. No I’m just working through the struggle. There's a lot that's been racing through my mind as of late. A lack of connection. 

I've often felt outside of groups I'm supposed to be a part of. 

Most vets I know talk about how they relate best or often only with other vets and service members. I've often felt outside. Whether it's not drinking, political affiliations, the lack of combat time, strangeness of my injuries, or some negative aspects of my military service. I don't always feel part of it all. 

But the same goes with the church. I'm a returned missionary, I married in the temple, and yet I feel outside, disconnected. Politics, life experiences, identity all play a factor. Ironically being my generation of veteran is one of the aspects and the inverse is true too. That feeling of disconnection from what so many incline as their most connected is disheartening.

I feel at times a walking contradiction, or hypocrite. How can I be "a good veteran" and demand major changes to military service. Am I "a good veteran" because I think all of the nation should have access to the same benefits and opportunities awarded to me for my status? I don't know.

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I had my faith openly challenged during my service. That's fine. I'm used to it. I can't force people to not have strong feelings about faith. About worship. About practice. 

I was in the south. I was surrounded by various other religions. Most of the time nothing went wrong. Nothing stopped me. But there were a few issues.

Command. Leadership. Those who didn't like my faith. I wound up at one point spending an inordinate amount of Sundays on duties. Away from worship. And eventually we realized it was purposeful. It passed.

That was the most direct way I was effected. But there were more passive ways. Being married young with children due to faith. Not drinking. Not participating in some of the less savory and common aspects of military culture. It was isolating. It happened. 

I can't change that. 

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That's what's so crazy. That intersection. That's what's isolated me and let me feel outside of both the church and military communities at the same time. 

The aspects of my  faith or service I choose to prioritize color my experience. It's all about the lens I view it through. 

I've found myself finding smaller core groups. Really tight knit that help me with my specific and unique experiences. 

I'm more ok being on the edge of inside or on the outside because of it. 

I am who I am. And I'm embracing that. It's not always easy. I worry that lack of connection can prevent me from making the differences I want to see. But I'm finding that's a baseless worry. That my influence in a smaller sphere is more important. It's more beneficial to me, to my family, and to my core group. 

I'm finding that focusing on something other than reconciling my aspects is allowing me to grow. 

I don't know if I'll find closure or completely fit the "mold" so to speak. 

I'm becoming more ok with it. Not fully there. But working on it. 

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People write in public forums for a reason. To seek the praise for their words or to seek connection. I'm looking for connection. Validation maybe too. That my experience resonates with someone else. 

To those feeling adrift or isolated. Look to your core experiences and group. Look to the smaller sphere around you.

Participate where and how you can with larger communities. It's ok to be different or on the fringe. Your experiences may not endear or include you. And that's ok. Breathe. It's worth it. 

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