There’s a moment when your plea to keep someone on this earth starts to feel selfish. When your own self worth takes a hit, you ask why you’re not enough.
But you take a deep breath. You get it. You’ve been there before. You’ve been that weary.
You know what it’s like for someone’s love to not be able to outweigh the pain.
Those dark consuming feelings only happen if you've been there yourself.
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I've been the one battling the demons. I've been the one who loves someone struggling. And I've spent a large portion of my professional life directly involved in the care and support of those people who are in the midst of suicidal ideation or even attempts.
There's something about recognizing those feelings in your self and others that's frightening as much as it's empowering. For a lot of people it can be hard to recognize these feelings without falling into despair. I've been there. It's been awhile since the depth of depression and despair brought me to where I personally was struggling.
It's been a lot more recent, it's been yesterday, for me. And now I'm laying down a stream of consciousness to work through this.
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I remember how abstract and unthinkable Suicide was as a child. I couldn't even imagine how life would be so severe that you'd want it to end.
For the majority of my life I never even struggled with active suicide ideology. I didn't have a plan. I didn't think I was that far gone. I struggled to relate.
Then darker times happened.
I realized I was exhibiting some signs of self harm. Harder workouts to feel pain, til I threw up over and over. I began to have feelings of wishing I'd disappear. What if I just didn't wake up. What if my car went off the freeway. Passive ideation of suicide was happening.
I didn't fully realize it until I went to therapy and worked through it. More than once.
Unpacking that I realized I still had some patterns of thinking that come under pressure that aren't healthy. Still pop up at times. Patterns that linger.
I wouldn't recognize them in others as readily had I not experienced them myself.
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We're going to be surrounded by people struggling with suicide whether we are aware of it or not. They will be there. They will be here.
Family, friends, loved ones, coworkers. All of the above can have clouds of darkness we can't see.
When we know we want to do something. We want to help.
But even knowing, experiencing these feelings ourselves. We'll miss them in others. We'll be too late. Or we'll be there and we won't make the difference.
That hurts the most.
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Spending my livelihood in the mental health space I find myself struggling. Trying to detach and still care.
There's a balance to strike. Remembering and feeling take energy and effort. Put too much into them and you burn out. Detach from your emotions too much and you find yourself lacking empathy.
What do you do?
How do you avoid burning out? How do you avoid taking things too personally? How do you still connect?
I don't have the answers.
All I can say is this. The more the person matters to you. The more they're a part of you. The more you LET it effect you.
They all will. Grief can be a purposeful process. Use it.
It makes you better and managing that in the future.
And if you're lucky enough to have not experienced these feelings. Find someone who has you can listen to.
Maybe we will all do better and be better for it.
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