Not feeling the wonder, the awe that I used too.

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 I had a thought in sacrament meeting today. It's been a long time since I felt a sense of awe or wonder at church.

I can think of multiple times I've been awed by the beauty and wonder of the natural world around me. The time I felt stirred by a piece of music or a work of art. Felt grace at the hands of another's care and service.

But I haven't felt that at church. And I'd be lying if at times it hasn't made me wonder if I'm broken. 

I see the emotion in talks, hear the people that are moved. It just isn't resonating with me the same way anymore.

I want to connect with the people. I want my children to have a spiritual foundation. I want to have a place where I can discuss doctrine and scripture. And in our current ward we have, I have some of that. 

Yet. I just don't feel the wonder. I don't feel moved. Here.

But I'd like too.

I think my calibration for what is emotional and what is spiritual may be part of it. It's different than I used to have it.

Maybe I can do more to serve in this ward community, not just in general.

I'm not sure.

It's just different.

I look at how we talk about faith. How it's less focused on the experience of spiritual conversion, and more on the fruits and values. About the historicity.

Have we eliminated too much of the spiritual and supernatural from our faith by building it too much on reasoning? Have we both lost our sense of wonder and our ability to process evidence in the Church?

I don't know.

I want the wonders of miracles. I want to feel moved by my faith in ways I haven't. 

I wish I could have that in worship.

Maybe it will come again. Or maybe, the struggle to feel is the faith. 

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