Witt's End

  Winter’s coming but fall isn’t over yet. We have to remember that. The nights run shorter and shorter. The days get colder. Frost and cloudy skies are soon to be omnipresent. With the change imminent my mind pushes into overdrive. I’m writing nonstop. Leaning into the skid. Pens only leave paper so I can type on a keyboard. I don’t know why I have this push now. But I’m going to use the motivation to dig deeper and find out.

 David fell. Solomon fell. Judas betrayed the Christ with a kiss. Peter denied the Christ three times before the Cock crowed. Gideon rose up against insurmountable odds. Jonathan stayed faithful. Stephen stayed true a martyr. Paul redeemed himself from his time and actions as Saul. Which side of the coin am I on? Where does my character lie? At this time I'm struggling to know for sure. Am I one who showed great promise and falls when tested? Or am I steady? I don't know and that often scares me.

Racing thoughts Rushing emotions No control.  None. For too long.  That one didn't realize. -12/12/2021

You notice how uncomfortable it feels for the rhythm in something to be off. Think about clapping on the beat at a concert. That feeling of growing irritation when a clap sounds off from others. Or when the beat starts racing ahead of itself, or of the pocket. That growing edge of discomfort. That feeling of losing control. It applies to our emotions, both when we’re slower than normal (depressed) or even faster (hypomanic/manic).   A lot of people talk about the negative effects of depression. How crippling it can be to slow down and at times shut down. But we don’t talk about how detrimental it can be to experience the opposite.  On the surface something hyper focus, lack of a need for sleep, the ability to notice multiple details at once, more energy, those sound like good things. But what if those things make you faster than society’s best? What if you can match the rhythm of others. What if you can’t match the natural rhythm of yourself? To be off kilter is dangerous. To be out of

I’m sick of being told I’m strong enough to overcome everything I’ve been dealt with.   I’m struggling with things. Things that don’t just get fixed. Sometimes you can't will your way through the suck.  And I think something is wrong in a way that I don’t fully understand yet. That the struggle is greater than currently known or understood. That adds a complexity to my current situation I can't fully articulate. All my life I’ve been told how bright I am. The depth of my capabilities and potential. That my intelligence is a gift. Capable of so much.  I've been told I'm strong. Solid. Physically capable. Able to handle any challenge. If only we could ride potential without any opposition. If only right? Here's the thing about that. Sometimes there is a struggle that we don't see. That others can't see. Mental illness, chronic illness, pain. They all strike in different ways. Those who may seem unburdened one moment may be carrying a load you don't realize