Off Beat

You notice how uncomfortable it feels for the rhythm in something to be off. Think about clapping on the beat at a concert. That feeling of growing irritation when a clap sounds off from others. Or when the beat starts racing ahead of itself, or of the pocket. That growing edge of discomfort. That feeling of losing control. It applies to our emotions, both when we’re slower than normal (depressed) or even faster (hypomanic/manic). 

A lot of people talk about the negative effects of depression. How crippling it can be to slow down and at times shut down. But we don’t talk about how detrimental it can be to experience the opposite. 

On the surface something hyper focus, lack of a need for sleep, the ability to notice multiple details at once, more energy, those sound like good things. But what if those things make you faster than society’s best? What if you can match the rhythm of others. What if you can’t match the natural rhythm of yourself?

To be off kilter is dangerous. To be out of balance, out of rhythm is incompatible with most of life. And it breeds never ending paradoxes.

Moving so fast that you can’t get enough sensation to being overstimulated. Running so fast you can’t feel to being overwhelmed by an all consuming singular emotion. Not eating or overeating. Going without purchasing what you need to function to buying for hobbies frivolously. Dissociating for whole conversations then blasting through without stopping to listen at lightning speed. 

When you get to fast you can’t regulate yourself. You lose judgement. You lose reason. You’re constantly gambling and risking to feel. Both to maximize the current experience, and to find sensations that make you feel whole like you would normally. It’s fast and it’s furious constantly. 

There’s a reason substances, sex, gambling, thrill-seeking dominate the manic states.

It can be fun at times to be around. It can be fun at times to experience. But it has a price. 

Run hot enough for long enough and you burn yourself out. Go too fast and you’ll eventually crash. Hard.

What goes up must come down. And the consequences have to be faced in the downturn of depression. The lack of energy, the despondency, and the down in the dirt. That’s what you deal with to rebuild yourself. To fix the damage.

It’s hard to explain this cycle. This ebb and flow of emotional tides. Unless you experience it.

I do. All too often. 

I’ve spent so much time in an accelerated, exuberant state that it feels like my normal. The hyper focus. The animation. The speed. It’s almost pedestrian to the point that I’ve lost sight of where I’m supposed to be. 

It's exhausting. And I didn't even realize how much it effected me.

I was the outgoing kid. I was the smart kid. The goofy smart friend. It was who I was. It was how I fit in. It was how I expressed myself. And in some ways, still do to this day. I had a few good friends. I found ways to tell jokes. I participated in a lot of activities. I spent my time livening up a room. It takes energy to stay likeable. I was always banked on mine. As much as I could.  And it was great. Then my twenties hit. It got a little worse and I didn't realize it.

I didn't often sleep. I spent a lot of time awake and running. Sleep never came easy. And for a week or two at a time it was easier to just ignore it at all. Old habits of procrastination got worse. I either limited the time, or failed entirely. It became all or nothing. Rushing for fun, good enough to make it. And I didn't even see what I was doing. I had some built in shelters. Enough support to not fail entirely. Enough people to hang out with, enough adventure to satisfy the itch. Last minute road trip I was your man. Cliff or bridge jumping I'm there. All night movie night, let's go. 

That vibe never stopped. It just tempered, and buried a bit, by the exhaustion of labor. But aspects still existed. The speed of talking. The hyper focus. The chasing of sensation.

All of it.

Followed by the drop. At any moment. Almost instantaneous. Draining. 

Then riding the high to get through.

It's an unsustainable pattern. And it's there.

Being off beat. Either too fast, or too slow. Never feeling in tune. On time. Or balanced.

That's bipolar. That's me. 

Maybe others feel this too. I don't know. But too often we hear the most severe cases. That isn't me. I'm just off beat, just off rhythm of where I need to be. Most don't see it, don't hear it. But it's exhausting. I recognize it. I see when things are off. And I want to do something about it.

So I am. I'm getting help. I'm addressing things. Hopefully others out there, read this. And they do too.