Stop Telling Me I’m Strong

I’m sick of being told I’m strong enough to overcome everything I’ve been dealt with. 

I’m struggling with things. Things that don’t just get fixed. Sometimes you can't will your way through the suck. And I think something is wrong in a way that I don’t fully understand yet. That the struggle is greater than currently known or understood. That adds a complexity to my current situation I can't fully articulate.

All my life I’ve been told how bright I am. The depth of my capabilities and potential. That my intelligence is a gift. Capable of so much. 

I've been told I'm strong. Solid. Physically capable. Able to handle any challenge.

If only we could ride potential without any opposition. If only right?

Here's the thing about that. Sometimes there is a struggle that we don't see. That others can't see. Mental illness, chronic illness, pain. They all strike in different ways.

Those who may seem unburdened one moment may be carrying a load you don't realize. You couldn't recognize or even fathom. Different people have different experiences that others won’t experience. And experience is what leads to understanding any growth. 

I wish I could short cut the depth of emotion. Or at least the acquisition of it. But that’s not how it works. To know the light you have to know the dark, to know joy you have to know despair. It's my turn to pass through a dark valley.

I've been pretty open about some of my health struggles this year. My blood has too much iron. My liver isn't functioning as well as it should. I'm tired, I'm dizzy, I hurt. That's not a subjective assessment, that's an objective one. I'm not healthy or well. I need care to recover physically. I have to literally have a needle stabbed in my arm to remove what's literally poisoning me. I have to take medication to help the process and to manage the severity of symptoms as I seek treatment. That treatment is a process. After treatment comes a lifelong maintenance program that will require pretty consistent observation.

My mental health isn't any different. It's taken a beating over the past two years with COVID, especially the past year with my physical health. The same time and effort that I need to heal my body is going to be required for my mental health. The same level of aid and interventions are needed for my mind as much as my body. 

This isn't something I'm going to shake off like a hit in football practice. This is a deep intervention and treatment of long-term, often debilitating issues both mental and physical. I'm done sugarcoating how bad it can be. 

I'm still working, I'm still working on my education, I'm still a husband, I'm still a father. None of that has stopped. And my performance isn't measuring up. If I'm to accomplish what I need to I need help. If I'm to live up to my potential I need help. That's the truth.

If I could have magically powered through this with raw strength or willpower I would have. I wouldn't be as sick and hurt as I am. I just need to trust treatment, the recovery process, and have the patience to see the results. 

That's the real kicker here. People and time are what enable true healing. The medication, interventions, techniques. They all are essential. But when it comes to long term change it's people, it's time, and it's consistency. Sometimes it's not about your strength, potential, or the ability to power through. Sometimes it's about surrendering that to heal. It's about letting time and loved ones intervene. 

At least that's what I've learned this year or two. Hopefully I take it to heart.