Witt's End

Sunday was the war chapter Sunday school. A significant portion of the Book of Mormon is about war. And they were received twice. One in particular. The Sons of Helaman. The Stripling Warriors. 2,000 sons take up the arms their Parents could not. And fight well.  It's a stirring story. One of my childhood favorites. In the story Helaman's force of 2,000 (eventually 2,600) survive two major battles without any fatalities. That's miraculous for any forces who met in pitched combat. But the next phrase Helaman relays in the account is the one that has stuck with me, and deepened, over time. "And it came to pass that there were two hundred, out of my two thousand and sixty, who had fainted because of the loss of blood; nevertheless, according to the goodness of God, and to our great astonishment, and also the joy of our whole army, there was not one soul of them who did perish; yea, and neither was there one soul among them who had not received many wounds." I always

I’m moving through an evolution of my faith with more hope and less certainty. That may sound disconcerting to some but it is a state of mind that leaves me with so much more peace.  The idea of a Savior able to know what I experience has been the most sustaining aspects of my life. But it's been harder to experience lately. And I need to be honest about that. But I also have been reflecting more and more about what that means to me.  I  believe in Christ. I have faith in his atonement. But I don’t know how it works. And that’s ok.   I’ve been reflecting on this. The Atonement is so much more than just pulling weeds. It’s about planting and growing flowers.  So much of my life I viewed Christ as primarily the savior and intercessor between me and God. Between my sinful fallen state and my exaltation. It was entirely about the necessity to overcome the inevitable sin of my fallen nature. That was the primary thrust. In some ways the only purpose. I'll never try to argue it's

  Am I motivated, driven, focused, or am I manic? Is the path I’m setting up sustainable or ready to crumble? I’ve really been pondering that that last few days. I spend at least part of the summer a bit sick and a bit depressed. Usually part of it is cyclical. But at least 50% of it is seasonal depression. Yeah summer kicks that into gear for me. When I come out of it. When the desire to move comes I just wait for the mania. Or at least a hypomania. Watching to see if I’m sleeping. If I’m grounded. If aspirations stray from dreams to delusion. I don’t know where I am right now. I just know I finally have enough energy to workout. To combat my body with what little reserves my fatigue allows. It’s the easiest aspect to ground in someways. A physical reality. But I’m making plans for school. For my future. It feels right. I just get worried if I can keep it up. If it’s real. Mania brings energy. But it can also bring inattention. It can bring other problems. So I’m always worried. Am I