Motivated or Manic

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 Am I motivated, driven, focused, or am I manic? Is the path I’m setting up sustainable or ready to crumble?


I’ve really been pondering that that last few days.


I spend at least part of the summer a bit sick and a bit depressed. Usually part of it is cyclical. But at least 50% of it is seasonal depression. Yeah summer kicks that into gear for me.


When I come out of it. When the desire to move comes I just wait for the mania. Or at least a hypomania. Watching to see if I’m sleeping. If I’m grounded. If aspirations stray from dreams to delusion.


I don’t know where I am right now. I just know I finally have enough energy to workout. To combat my body with what little reserves my fatigue allows. It’s the easiest aspect to ground in someways. A physical reality.


But I’m making plans for school. For my future. It feels right. I just get worried if I can keep it up. If it’s real.


Mania brings energy. But it can also bring inattention. It can bring other problems.


So I’m always worried. Am I grounded. Am I realistic. Do I have the motivation and aptitude to do this.


This time I hope I do. Really.


But there’s that nagging in the back of my head. Making me question. That’s the worst price of bipolar. Losing trust in myself.


So I’m keeping logs. I’m pushing. And we’re two weeks in. Halfway to where I feel it’s a real sustainable desire and change. I hope I make it. I feel good this time. 

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