I don’t know how the Atonement works

I’m moving through an evolution of my faith with more hope and less certainty. That may sound disconcerting to some but it is a state of mind that leaves me with so much more peace. 

The idea of a Savior able to know what I experience has been the most sustaining aspects of my life. But it's been harder to experience lately. And I need to be honest about that. But I also have been reflecting more and more about what that means to me. 

I believe in Christ. I have faith in his atonement. But I don’t know how it works. And that’s ok. 

I’ve been reflecting on this. The Atonement is so much more than just pulling weeds. It’s about planting and growing flowers. 

So much of my life I viewed Christ as primarily the savior and intercessor between me and God. Between my sinful fallen state and my exaltation. It was entirely about the necessity to overcome the inevitable sin of my fallen nature. That was the primary thrust. In some ways the only purpose. I'll never try to argue it's not an or the most important part of plan of salvation. But the focus on that needed redemption misses so much. 

It misses so much of who Christ was. Who he is. What he did. 

If it was just about saving us from sin. He could have stopped there. But. The miracles. So many. All individually tailored. Some immediate. Some he facilitated the faith for. We focus on them so much. But I think we miss the point of the love behind them sometimes. 

Christ was a healer. That was the largest motivator behind those miracles. He healed people, fed people with them. Yes they came of faith, they often grew and encouraged faith. But he did what he did out of love. That's what always stands out to me first. One thing I love about the Book of Mormon is how personal it makes the healing of our Savior. He experienced all of our pains and weaknesses. That's how he could heal. It was more than just the faith. It was about making people more whole. Even at times healing on the behalf of others, and healing by degrees. It's beautiful to ponder. 

I think that leads to aspect I'm focusing more and more on now. The teaching Christ offered. Constantly. Consistently. With patience when needed. With more force when required. So much of his time was spent instructing. So we could grow. 

I get to spend my time striving to be something more. All because of him. I can repent and change. I can heal or be succored. I can learn. I can grow. 

I think focusing on the positives that Atonement and Christ place in the garden of my life should take precedence over the negatives he removes. I'm not as good at that as I want to be. But I can see and feel myself changing. Every single day. 

I want to keep that going. 

Growth. Focusing on that is so much more enlightening that trying to figure out exactly how the forgiveness of my sins works. Which theory. The mechanics of it all. It negates the wonder of it all. The being of it all. The greatness of it all. 

Maybe that's what Hope and Faith are for. 

I'll never know in this life what exactly happened in Gethsemane. But do I need to? I can see the beauty, the symbolism. I can read the scriptures. I think about olive trees. And a Savior. And just strive to be.