Recovery. Progress. Atonement. Repentance. Reflection.

Recovery. Progress. These are two terms I talk about all the time. The path that happens when we choose to address something. It's the next phase of the journey. And it can lead to healing. Currently it's the entire focus on what I do. Just supporting people in their recovery. 

But I can't be a hypocrite. I have to put in the work for myself. Maintaining that recovery for myself and the progress I've made. It's been quite the journey. And every time I think about a potential destination the goal posts move. What I expect of myself changes. I think that's a healthy place to be. It's taken a lot of work. It will continue to take work. There's no end. Just a new way of living. 

It's causing me to reflect on the faith that helped get me here. Faith, works, grace. The whole lot of it. 

My entire life there has been quite the focus on the Atonement of Jesus Christ and it's role in our lives for redemption and salvation. It's an essential piece of how to have our works accepted through our faith to receive the grace of our salvation. Too often I feel that the way we focus on the Atonement is on the afterlife. Too often we place control of our actions on other forces (be they Satan or Christ). Doing so can minimize our own role in both our salvation and our recovery. 

I love Easter. I love the idea and purpose of a resurrection. And maybe what's usually a wonderfully reflective time of year for me has ran up into a challenging period at work and my own personal growth. I have a lot of things I need to change in my life. I have work to do for my recovery. And I also see how much work is being done by others. I need so much more of it. I have to focus on the now and not the eternal reward. 

For the first time, my focus is more on what happens in my life before or as I accept an Atonement than the after. Focusing on the "hard" part. Repentance is just the process of changing one's thoughts and behaviors. It's something we have to work on wholeheartedly all the time. Too often I've seen repentance both as an event and as something I can hide behind. But the more I focus on my own shortcomings and desired changes the more I realize it requires continual proactive decisions to maintain the behaviors. To overcome challenges and addictions. 

I want an existential permanent change. But I haven't found one. So I find myself reflecting on it all and wondering what does that mean for me? Where do I go from here.

I've often said I need my prayer and my medication. But I also need my structure, my therapy, my understanding of my autonomy, various cognitive and behavioral skills. It's hard to separate my own actions and cognition from mere temptation. From external sources. From what harms me. 

That's the challenge. As we go through life. Sustaining the inconsistent progression that is recovery. It's all about step by step. Day by day. Choosing to live a new way.

I spent a lot of years living with faith and still being dysfunctional. I wasn't actively involved in making the choices and progress I needed for my mental health. It took purposeful work and effort to make that happen. 

At one point that work made me neglect my spirituality. I hope I've found a happy medium. Because change is hard. It's more than just repenting of sins, it's more than just doing therapy. It takes everything. But it takes it all for my recovery.

I think that is what it means to progress. I think that is what he would want for me.