I miss it

I’ll just say it. I miss the Army. It’s still hard to think about sometimes. It’s crazy that I feel this way. 

You get your DD-214 and your free. The moment you were waiting for your entire enlistment. It's there. The negative is over. And there is hardships and negativity to service. 

There were times that were tough physically. Some of the hardest outside of sports in my life. There were days that were mentally straining, the only things harder were the mission I served at a younger age. There were times without family and loved ones, that got harder the longer I served and the more my family grew. 

Those were the things that were "hard" that recruiters and people that served warned me about. They were the aspects that you anticipate. There were parts they don't tell you. The parts that were rare. The ostracism that comes from not drinking. The power that corrupt NCOs and officers can wield. How dark racism can be to witness. The devastation of sexual harassment and assault. What it feels like to be discriminated against for your religion. What retaliation feels like. The horror of losing friends and mentors to suicide. 

All of these were exhibited by a minority of individuals. These were NOT the norm. But they were moments that stick with you. For some people they are reason enough to demean and disparage the service. It's not that way for me. 

Because I miss it. I miss the sense of duty it brought, the sense of purpose. I miss the security of the benefits and the organization for me and my family. I miss the amount of time off. I miss getting to use weapons I may never shoot again. I miss having access to what felt like limitless medical supplies. I miss using hard-earned medical skills on a regular basis. I miss experiencing the level of confidence and trust people had in me. I miss all of that. I truly do. But there is something I miss even more. The people.

I miss the men and women I served with. I get to keep in touch with some of them easier than others. But they are what I miss, because in my mind they are the Army. The Army isn't the systems, technology, equipment, or even the institution. It's the people. They are what I miss. 

Seriously I don't always keep in touch like I should. I don't reach out like I should. But I care. I'm here. And I hope some of them read this.

There's one other thing I truly miss. The purpose. The sense of belonging and meaning that comes with service alongside these men and women. I never realized how much that grounded me. How much it drove me during my time in uniform. It's probably why I work for the VA. It's probably why I keep my EMS certs active. It's a large part of all of this. 

It's what makes leaving so hard. Truly. I don't know how else to say it. I miss it. I don't always know what to do about that. My body is shredded post service. In ways I didn't want to admit. Joining in your mid twenties can be a trip. I still have frustrations from a system I want to reform and fix. And I don't always know how to go about that.

I'm writing this because I'm sure others feel the same way. That they couldn't wait to get out. Or they could only think about the negative. Or they suffered injuries. And now they wish they could go back.

I tried. Three times. Three times I got told no. It still stings. 

I hope I can continue to find an equilibrium. But today. This week. For some reason. I miss it. I miss you all.