My Faith

 I haven't found anyone who intellectually investigates our faith that doesn't think we're weird and/or crazy. And that's ok. It may seem like a strange thing to say, but honestly, we stand out. We're strange. And faith is the antithesis to intellect and logic. 

During times of crisis like this we need to recognize what we look like. We need to recognize what others perceive as a potential disconnect between our faith and our scientific/secular understanding. 

It also leads to those of us who struggle with faith. Who have a separation of thought and idea. We can come across as contradictory at best to hypocritical or spineless at worse. I'm here to address one aspect of that. Where my faith lies. Where it is on my path of experience, life, and growth. I'm not here to reconcile it with my faith, my struggles today. I will address it again. But not yet. 

Spirituality is unique to the individual. For me, my spiritual growth and experiences are distinct from my emotional and intellectual. It's something that has left it's indelible mark on me. 

I didn't have a personal experience with prayer until I almost gave up on it. That personal experience changed everything for me. I was lost. I was hurt. And I found peace, direction for myself. 

I remember vividly sitting in my parents basement. Having read so much. The Ramayana, a large portion of the Koran, various translations of the bible, The Book of Mormon, amongst so many others. I spent a lot of time just absorbing various scriptures. I got into Carl Jung and archetypes, looked at various mythologies and their overlaps. I read Viktor Frankl for the first time and strove after meaning. I'd absorbed all of these things. I'd tried to intellectualize my spirituality. I'd tried to find my meaning. And I'd failed. So I prayed.

It's the first time I truly felt an answer to a prayer. It was voice that wasn't a voice. It was something that informed my emotions but didn't create or control them. It was something new. Something unique. And it spoke to me. It left an impression I will never forget and can never deny.

Later in life I've felt that again. At various times. Praying about a mission. Who to marry. How many kids to have. Whether to join the army or not. What I believe. How I believe. 

All of that was an aspect of my faith. My growth. My spirituality.

I'm going to stop right there and address an elephant a little bit. I'm bipolar. I've been manic. I've heard voices. I've had delusions of grandeur. And that's not what I'm talking about. Neither is it the self depreciation and doubt that invades my low depression. It's different.

I truly believe, have faith in God. And more than that a faith in a redemptive Christ. There are aspects of my morality, self worth, being all rooted in that. It's not something I say lightly either. I've needed redemption from sin, foible, and trial. I've received it. Period. 

Now I can't convince someone of my faith. I can't demonstrate it to them. If they don't think I have enough. If I'm not showing it properly. I can't convince them.

Inversely I can't convince someone God exists. I can't.

What I can do is be open about those experiences I've had. Share the ones I feel comfortable sharing. 

Like how I found God for myself. My Heavenly Father. 

My faith may be in crisis. I may be stuck in ambiguity. Dissonance. But I know what I know. I may be rationalizing. I may be deconstructing. I have experiences both spiritual and intellectual that don't meet neatly in the middle. And that's ok. I'm leaning on the faith right now. Maybe you are too.