Witt's End

There are aspects of my life I’m trying to reconcile. Any inquiry to the interested parties tells me to abandon the opposing aspects.  A lot of times when I’m writing it’s about finding some enlightenment, profundity in what I’m experiencing. Not today. No I’m just working through the struggle. There's a lot that's been racing through my mind as of late. A lack of connection.  I've often felt outside of groups I'm supposed to be a part of.  Most vets I know talk about how they relate best or often only with other vets and service members. I've often felt outside. Whether it's not drinking, political affiliations, the lack of combat time, strangeness of my injuries, or some negative aspects of my military service. I don't always feel part of it all.  But the same goes with the church. I'm a returned missionary, I married in the temple, and yet I feel outside, disconnected. Politics, life experiences, identity all play a factor. Ironically being my generat

You ever wake up in an irrational blind panic? Like heart racing? Head flag but brain shaking like an earthquake? And you can’t remember what nightmare triggered it? I always have the same nightmares. It could be one of three. If I wanted to take the effort to identify my emotions and process them I’d know which one it was. But I have things to do this morning. Deeper processes that give more healing are not always available to us. Sometimes it’s only symptom management and that’s ok.  We don’t always have an easy cure. That’s for sure. Sometimes we have to do work. Now that work varies and can include lot of therapy, mindfulness, short term medication, long term medication, prophylactics, and rescue meds. Those are the big guns. And financially or time-wise they aren’t always available. Even a lack of providers can cause that. Some people find other ways. The simple feed it, hydrate it, give it fresh air comes to mind. Or sleep.  Sometimes coping takes another turn. We get obsessed wi

“How are you doing?"  I really really struggle to answer this question. It's sobering to realize how few people you can really talk to.  So now I’m going to be almost hypocritical and write about it.  How do I avoid lying while balancing privacy? How do I find the line between appropriate and oversharing?  When it comes to my physical or mental wellbeing on the day to day I struggle to honestly answer that question. I have to answer it in layers.  Layer 1: I want to answer the obligatory “good” and move on. But that isn’t always truthful. “I’m doing” works. It doesn’t lie. But it doesn’t blow things up. That's where it starts and ends. The problem is if people know you too well. They don't buy it. So onward, deeper. Layer 2: "I'm tired" or "I have a migraine" are the go to responses. Both are almost always true. Or at least one of them is at all times. It’s usually a level of understanding you can have with most co-workers, extended family, teac

There’s a moment when your plea to keep someone on this earth starts to feel selfish. When your own self worth takes a hit, you ask why you’re not enough.   But you take a deep breath. You get it. You’ve been there before. You’ve been that weary. You know what it’s like for someone’s love to not be able to outweigh the pain. Those dark consuming feelings only happen if you've been there yourself.  /////// I've been the one battling the demons. I've been the one who loves someone struggling. And I've spent a large portion of my professional life directly involved in the care and support of those people who are in the midst of suicidal ideation or even attempts.  There's something about recognizing those feelings in your self and others that's frightening as much as it's empowering.  For a lot of people it can be hard to recognize these feelings without falling into despair. I've been there. It's been awhile since the depth of depression and despair br

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." We all know this quote by Martin Luther King Jr. The famous line from the I Have a Dream speech. I know it was the first one that I truly knew. For many people I fear it's the only one. It's the thesis in some ways of his ideas but it's not the full scope. For me my deeper understanding of the man came with reading through some of Strength to Love. I came across the quote that's stuck with me the most.  “Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.” It hit me like a ton of bricks when I first read it. It was Christlike love. It was the golden rule. As I began to understand his commitment to non-violence it made even more sense.

  I go to church most Sundays for the sacrament. And lately that’s been the primary reason. I wish I could say there was a deeper connection. I wish I could say there was more I got out of it. I wish I could say I enjoyed the auxiliary meetings. I mean some Sundays I wish I could say I enjoyed the talks or testimonies. I’m not saying this to be harsh. It’s just where I am at spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically. I love my savior. I love Jesus Christ; his mission, his commission, teachings, and atonement. Following him makes me a better person. Following him makes living this life possible. But I can’t say I feel comfortable in the culture of the church. I can’t say I don’t struggle with where I fit. With who I am in the body of church. Let alone with the feeling of depression I’ve had this winter. Let alone with the physical struggles I’ve been working through.  It’s a lot. And I only have so much to give.  So I go. I take the sacrament. I reflect on Christ and