Praying is different than it used to be for me

 I’m not one to tell someone when to pray, who to pray to, what to pray for, or why to pray. It’s such a personal spiritual experience. One I’ve been reflecting on more and more.

I believe that prayer is deeply meditative experience first and foremost. I used to think it was more communicative than I do now. It’s more deeply reflective for me than it used to be for me. 

Prayer is meant to bring our will in alignment with God. That’s what I was taught from a fairly young age. But I spent so much of my time thinking I could sue for aid, implore God to give me the desires I was working so hard for. 

But that’s not the way it works for me anymore.

I struggle to share gratitude in prayer. I do. I probably always will. But now I struggle to ask for things too. And for both of those things I think it’s okay. I’m speaking a lot less than I used to and listening a lot more. That’s the meditative side of it.

Conversations have gotten more raw. More real. I had a church leader I love, respect, and look up to tell me to just talk to God. And I took that to heart. I still do. That ability to pour my heart out in the one place no other man can hear. The dark of a closet, or alone in a car. I’ve kept that part with me. I always will.

Now the listening part. I used to think if I prayed hard enough I would have conversations. I’d have the voice of Him answer me. It was disappointing when that hasn’t happened. 

Since that time my spiritual paradigm has at times shifted. My faith has been beat up once or twice. But through that the answers I search for have changed. I no longer seek the bombastic powerful answer. In lieu of a cognitive conversation I would seek emotional fulfillment. Deep and overflowing confirmations that would leave no doubt. 

Not anymore.

I seek the peace. The quiet. The catharsis. The clarity. It’s softer. But more sure. It cuts through the pain, the clouds of depression, the spirals of anxiety, and the rush of mania. It’s surety. It forces me to listen more: it’s changed the process for the better. Two ways most of all. One, it’s about me and what I need to do, not others. Two, I struggle to ask for specific outcomes anymore, I ask for the strength to face what’s to come with clarity. I feel like I need to expound.

As a youth and young man I prayed for a relationship with someone who would love me. I prayed for bullies to leave me alone. I prayed for people to do the right thing, or at times change their mind. I was often disappointed. Missionary work, military service, marriage, parenthood have all taught me aspects of agency. And that deeper understanding has changed a large focus on the content of my prayer. I can’t change others, they have to change themselves. I learned that in recovery. Now knowing that and the fact prayer is to bring OUR will in line with God’s I had an epiphany. It’s about me; it’s not about them. How I can support, influence, lead, or follow. How I can change MY actions and attitude. Not them. How do I fulfill the prayer of God to be with someone. What’s my role in that? It led to the second change in my prayer, especially the personal prayers.

I don’t make demands. I don’t ask. I may or may not be healed. I will face struggle. I will face hardship. It’s inevitable. But I no longer ask for the burden to be lifted. I just tell God when I can’t handle it. I ask for why. I ask for strength and clarity. I ask for the faith to be healed or NOT be healed. I find God’s will and purpose in my life through prayer. I try not to impose my will upon him.

It takes effort. It takes purpose. And it takes quiet. It takes reflection. That solace may be a hike, a run, a late night with a pad and pen. I have to be purposeful, and listen twice as much as I speak. Or it’s futile. Prayer loses it meaning for me. I need the peace that comes. But it doesn’t end there. 

 It takes action. Doing something. If I’m praying for change or an answer I have to do something. I have to study. I have to act. Trust the peace, the surety that came before. It doesn’t mean there isn’t fear. It doesn’t mean I don’t fail. Oh I do. But I can move without being paralyzed in indecision and doubt. And that’s worth it.

I’m not a saint. I can be trite. I can be robotic and rudimentary. I often am more than I like to admit. But I feel the difference. There are days I fall, one I’ll stand right up, the other I can’t. The difference is the spiritual connection for me.

It’s what often pulls me through. 

That’s why I understand how trite it can be to hear someone is praying for you. I get it. But I know I’m not alone in letting prayer lead me to action. Letting it refine will and purpose. It’s not trite when it’s sincere. And I hope people know how real I am. If I’m praying about you it’s in gratitude and what I can/need to do. 

I mean that. If anything. Changing how I pray. It lets me love more. Appreciate my closest circle in ways I never thought I could. That’s what I never expected. I just hope and pray it shows. If prayer is to connect me to God and bring my will in line with his, why wouldn’t work with his children? I know that’s what the goal is for me.  

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