I Have ADHD

I have been wondering how to write this. 

It's only been a week. The realization and the diagnosis. 

I have ADD/ADHD. Both impulsive and inattentive characteristics. 

An adult diagnosis. It wasn't entirely out of the realm of reason, but it still hit like a sledgehammer. So much harder than I ever could've expected or anticipated. This changes things I didn't realize it would.

I've not exactly shied away from discussing my mental health as of late. Writing, connecting, both have been cathartic for me. Almost necessarily so. People may not realize that. The feelings isolation that often accompany both the symptoms of mental illness, and the stigma of getting help for them. Connection is as important (in my opinion) in resolving feelings of depression or anxiety as mindfulness, exercise, or even medication. It's all aspects of life, and just tools in a toolbox.

That's one thing that has me rattled. I've worked hard in therapy, personal resilience, journaling, my medication to maintain my health. Maintain a semblance of my symptoms at a more normal level. It's always been hard. I've always tried to to feel more normal, but I've rarely truly been able to achieve it. What just occurred may explain why.

Impulsivity, leading to answering questions before completion, finishing peoples sentences, constant movement, fidgeting. Inattentiveness, leading to wandering thoughts, lack of attention to detail, forgetfulness. Ironically the other symptoms like hyper focusing fit like a glove too. 

My wife has said most of the time we've been together. that I probably had it. I'd brush it off, thinking I should have figured it out in childhood. Obviously that wasn't the case. Obviously she was right.

I realize now that much of my anxiety, much of my self loathing, self doubt, the depression, the unsettled nature of my brain, my lack of sleep, all can be connected to this. Develop from it, then feed into it, a vicious cycle. It's a time of growth and awareness right now. Identifying symptoms, thought patterns that are currently occurring. Looking at my history and seeing any behaviors, patterns, or thought processes that are dangerous, or ineffective. That's going to be an ongoing process involving therapy and psychiatric appointments, and a lot of continuing work and effort.

It's strange being an adult with this new diagnosis. There's a sense of relief, that now I know what I can do. But the overwhelming emotions I've felt are sadness and anger. I just keep wondering how things would be different if I'd known sooner. If I'd had the opportunity to try to make different choices. Other adults in this scenario have described it as a grieving process for a life that could've been. I'm not sure if that's where I'm at or not. But I fully understand the sentiment. 

This is all so new it's on the verge of overwhelming. I'm doing what I can to research, to talk to people, try to find some strategies. I don't really know what to do at this point. This is just so new. I'm scared, I'm nervous, I don't know what else to say. All I know is I want to to continuing working on my mental health. Nothing about this changes that, but it does drastically change my approach.

It's been a nerve-wracking week. I've gone back and forth with saying something. But I hope I can find some connections. I truly feel that's an aspect of being more whole. Of finding ways to manage my brain. So this is a way to reach out. Seek for people who have dealt this, are dealing with this. To be a little more whole. Because, I'm still me. I'm still trying to improve. ADHD doesn't change that.