Intrusions vs Temptations
It's time for a bit of honesty.
I'm scared of my thoughts and where they often take me. Over time I've realized something important. There's a difference between intrusions and temptations. We need to talk about that.
I'm a person of faith, I'm also a man who's struggled with aspects of his behavioral and mental health. I'm not going to say that I'm an expert in theology or psychology, but I feel like maybe I could apply a little of my own life experience to this discussion. I hope that it can help someone out. That we can start discussions that are productive. That we can adequately differentiate between issues of mental health and legitimate sin.
I think in many ways it would be easiest to address the more spiritual aspects of the discussion first. Let me start that by saying I truly believe we as humans have access to guidance and comfort from a literal Holy Spirit. Some may call what we're discussing their Jiminy Cricket or their conscience. But I believe this is a literal messenger from God to guide us. To help us on our path to happiness and further growth and prosperity.
Now I want to say that I (knowingly in a minority on this point) believe all humans are predisposed to seek goodness. I believe we all seek to live lives that bring us closer to a light, to happiness, and I truly think that's through goodness. We seek joy, love, peace, goodness (Galatians 5:22-23). Those are called the fruit of the Spirit in scripture for a reason. They are both the way the spirit speaks to us, and what we can gain by seeking him. It can be a hard thing to do, but it can be worth it.
Now daily there are moments when I struggle to either stay on the path to goodness or maintain my integrity. At different times I may lose my temper, curse, yell, lie, cheat, cut off another driver in traffic. In other words due to listening to different thoughts or ignoring my good ones, I find myself with the potential to not only turn from goodness, but to be tempted to make a bad decision or action (sin). I truly believe this happens so easily because the spirit is met with an adversarial force, the Devil.
Now most of us are not "bad". I mean that. We just stumble. But in stumbling in that path we run the risk of stumbling again and again in a negative way. We need to remember though that it's a progressive thing to not seek goodness. Or in my mind, not seek God. Because evil doesn't happen over night.
But the more we give into temptation. Our thoughts that influence us to directly do things we individually know to be wrong fit this definition. Those actions we know to harm others and we know to morally wrong can be sins.
We all fall in that way at sometime. But I truly know that as I've gotten older, a little more mature and wiser it's been easier at times to recognize temptation and avoid sin. I'm not perfect but it's truly easier. Focusing on goodness, instead of trying to avoid sin and temptation has made the greatest difference.
The other aspect of this is that we can change. We can always repent. That's the point of a Christian mindset. The idea that we can be literally reborn, reboot, and focus on the path toward goodness all over again. It makes temptation lose it's most intimidating factors. Repentance, and the Atonement are what make that possible.
After all that thought, there is something else that worries me about my thoughts though. It's what's more worrisome to me. I'd like to spend some time talking about the much more frequent thoughts that don't lead directly to sin but still weigh me down.
Not too long ago when speaking to some young men, the idea of spontaneous intrusive thoughts came up. During the discussion I realized that not everyone deals with this. Since that time I've thought about how to best explain what's going on in my head. Find ways to share those struggles. Here goes my best chance.
There are two main ways I lose control of my thoughts. The first is not as intrusive. It's when I latch on to a doubt. Then I fixate on it. Most people say just think about something else, move on. But to be honest it isn't always that simple. It usually starts with a valid concern about a deadline, my capability to complete an educational or vocational goal. The idea of the actual difficulty is present, it's a real true concern. But I can't stop thinking about it. The worst outcomes from it. The what if. And I spiral, I fixate, and sometimes an hour later that's all I've been able to think about as it's pulled my brain down a dark vortex of a rabbit hole in my brain. This is more of the depression, more of the anxious aspects of my psyche.
The other way I feel myself losing control is when I can't focus on what I'm trying to focus on. No matter how hard I try. random thoughts about just anything else will come into my brain. Usually about topics of greater interest, even if they aren't of greater importance or precedence. As the thoughts continue my frustration grows. It becomes harder to focus. I either give up or I find myself then having thoughts about my inadequacies. Which then lead me to more and more and more frustration and anger. This is more my ADHD aspects of my brain taking the reins.
Now neither of these scenarios are tempting me to commit sin. They aren't leading me to evil. But they weigh me down. It's a horrible greatest hits of self doubt, every negative internalized message on repeat, over and over again. Cyclical and constant.
They can become crushing in their weight. They are actively disruptive to my job, my school work, my sleep, my family life. It's an unavoidable aspect of my literal thought processes. So what do I do?
When I spoke on avoiding sin and temptation I said it was easier to avoid, I focus on something good instead. I usually pick something productive or uplifting that truly attracts my attention. I get fixated on it and I'm good to go.
That doesn't work with my intrusive thoughts. That's how I know their different. For me it's worse that temptation. It's more prominent in my life.
Jeffrey R Holland said about these things,
"But today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!"
"At one point in our married life when financial fears collided with staggering fatigue, I took a psychic blow that was as unanticipated as it was real. With the grace of God and the love of my family, I kept functioning and kept working, but even after all these years I continue to feel a deep sympathy for others more chronically or more deeply afflicted with such gloom than I was."
I think hit the nail on the head. It's not something I can just square up to. It requires more effort. Luckily the very goodness that can help me avoid sin and temptation. A Savior has some help. For some an all knowing Savior is all we need to overcome any trial. Others feel themselves healed.
I truly believe that the grace of God was and is necessary to fight through the challenges I face. I really do. But it alone has never been enough. I also needed therapy, where I learned and continue to learn coping mechanisms, mindfulness training, meditation, exercise, and other active processes to help fight thoughts. That helps. I can at times get in and break out of a loop of bad thoughts. I can stop the spiral before I'm defeated. I can find ways to take a break and regroup on work. At times. I have tools, I'm working on strengthening them. But for me it wasn't enough.
At my darkest times, even with continuing therapy the fixations, the intrusions continued. Sleep suffers, my emotions are wreck, and it becomes difficult to focus on any of those positives that help. So I use medication. I level off the darkest moments, I get better rest, and I have the strength to carry on. I use these tools, these chemicals in my brain alongside everything else. Because it's how I can function the way I need to. Trust me I know there is a stigma on using mental health medication. I see it in people's eyes. I've had people ask me if I truly need it. The answer is I have to drown those voices out too. Because without it. I can be a wreck. Someone I'd rather not be. So I'll do all I can to not be.
I have to recognize two major things. One there is a difference between intrusions and temptations. Second, I need Jesus but it's not enough, so I have therapy and meds too. And I'm ok with that. Guess what. If that's your paradigm that's more than ok too. You're not alone, you're not weak, you're not wicked. It's just your brain, and your lot in life. We're in this together. Now this isn't an advocation for medication in all mental health cases, or even for all who share my diagnoses. This is just an honest heartfelt expression of both the testimony that one can face sin, and still hurt. One can learn how to control their thoughts, do the right thing and still need help. One can truly believe in Jesus and have faith and practice their religion. They can develop a relationship with him and it still not be enough. They can still be weighed down.
But there are ways to lighten the load. Things can get manageable. They can get better. I'm living proof. There's a chance you are too.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2004/04/the-atonement-all-for-all?lang=eng
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/nt/gal/5?lang=eng
I'm scared of my thoughts and where they often take me. Over time I've realized something important. There's a difference between intrusions and temptations. We need to talk about that.
I'm a person of faith, I'm also a man who's struggled with aspects of his behavioral and mental health. I'm not going to say that I'm an expert in theology or psychology, but I feel like maybe I could apply a little of my own life experience to this discussion. I hope that it can help someone out. That we can start discussions that are productive. That we can adequately differentiate between issues of mental health and legitimate sin.
I think in many ways it would be easiest to address the more spiritual aspects of the discussion first. Let me start that by saying I truly believe we as humans have access to guidance and comfort from a literal Holy Spirit. Some may call what we're discussing their Jiminy Cricket or their conscience. But I believe this is a literal messenger from God to guide us. To help us on our path to happiness and further growth and prosperity.
Now I want to say that I (knowingly in a minority on this point) believe all humans are predisposed to seek goodness. I believe we all seek to live lives that bring us closer to a light, to happiness, and I truly think that's through goodness. We seek joy, love, peace, goodness (Galatians 5:22-23). Those are called the fruit of the Spirit in scripture for a reason. They are both the way the spirit speaks to us, and what we can gain by seeking him. It can be a hard thing to do, but it can be worth it.
Now daily there are moments when I struggle to either stay on the path to goodness or maintain my integrity. At different times I may lose my temper, curse, yell, lie, cheat, cut off another driver in traffic. In other words due to listening to different thoughts or ignoring my good ones, I find myself with the potential to not only turn from goodness, but to be tempted to make a bad decision or action (sin). I truly believe this happens so easily because the spirit is met with an adversarial force, the Devil.
Now most of us are not "bad". I mean that. We just stumble. But in stumbling in that path we run the risk of stumbling again and again in a negative way. We need to remember though that it's a progressive thing to not seek goodness. Or in my mind, not seek God. Because evil doesn't happen over night.
But the more we give into temptation. Our thoughts that influence us to directly do things we individually know to be wrong fit this definition. Those actions we know to harm others and we know to morally wrong can be sins.
We all fall in that way at sometime. But I truly know that as I've gotten older, a little more mature and wiser it's been easier at times to recognize temptation and avoid sin. I'm not perfect but it's truly easier. Focusing on goodness, instead of trying to avoid sin and temptation has made the greatest difference.
The other aspect of this is that we can change. We can always repent. That's the point of a Christian mindset. The idea that we can be literally reborn, reboot, and focus on the path toward goodness all over again. It makes temptation lose it's most intimidating factors. Repentance, and the Atonement are what make that possible.
After all that thought, there is something else that worries me about my thoughts though. It's what's more worrisome to me. I'd like to spend some time talking about the much more frequent thoughts that don't lead directly to sin but still weigh me down.
Not too long ago when speaking to some young men, the idea of spontaneous intrusive thoughts came up. During the discussion I realized that not everyone deals with this. Since that time I've thought about how to best explain what's going on in my head. Find ways to share those struggles. Here goes my best chance.
There are two main ways I lose control of my thoughts. The first is not as intrusive. It's when I latch on to a doubt. Then I fixate on it. Most people say just think about something else, move on. But to be honest it isn't always that simple. It usually starts with a valid concern about a deadline, my capability to complete an educational or vocational goal. The idea of the actual difficulty is present, it's a real true concern. But I can't stop thinking about it. The worst outcomes from it. The what if. And I spiral, I fixate, and sometimes an hour later that's all I've been able to think about as it's pulled my brain down a dark vortex of a rabbit hole in my brain. This is more of the depression, more of the anxious aspects of my psyche.
The other way I feel myself losing control is when I can't focus on what I'm trying to focus on. No matter how hard I try. random thoughts about just anything else will come into my brain. Usually about topics of greater interest, even if they aren't of greater importance or precedence. As the thoughts continue my frustration grows. It becomes harder to focus. I either give up or I find myself then having thoughts about my inadequacies. Which then lead me to more and more and more frustration and anger. This is more my ADHD aspects of my brain taking the reins.
Now neither of these scenarios are tempting me to commit sin. They aren't leading me to evil. But they weigh me down. It's a horrible greatest hits of self doubt, every negative internalized message on repeat, over and over again. Cyclical and constant.
They can become crushing in their weight. They are actively disruptive to my job, my school work, my sleep, my family life. It's an unavoidable aspect of my literal thought processes. So what do I do?
When I spoke on avoiding sin and temptation I said it was easier to avoid, I focus on something good instead. I usually pick something productive or uplifting that truly attracts my attention. I get fixated on it and I'm good to go.
That doesn't work with my intrusive thoughts. That's how I know their different. For me it's worse that temptation. It's more prominent in my life.
Jeffrey R Holland said about these things,
"But today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!"
"At one point in our married life when financial fears collided with staggering fatigue, I took a psychic blow that was as unanticipated as it was real. With the grace of God and the love of my family, I kept functioning and kept working, but even after all these years I continue to feel a deep sympathy for others more chronically or more deeply afflicted with such gloom than I was."
I think hit the nail on the head. It's not something I can just square up to. It requires more effort. Luckily the very goodness that can help me avoid sin and temptation. A Savior has some help. For some an all knowing Savior is all we need to overcome any trial. Others feel themselves healed.
I truly believe that the grace of God was and is necessary to fight through the challenges I face. I really do. But it alone has never been enough. I also needed therapy, where I learned and continue to learn coping mechanisms, mindfulness training, meditation, exercise, and other active processes to help fight thoughts. That helps. I can at times get in and break out of a loop of bad thoughts. I can stop the spiral before I'm defeated. I can find ways to take a break and regroup on work. At times. I have tools, I'm working on strengthening them. But for me it wasn't enough.
At my darkest times, even with continuing therapy the fixations, the intrusions continued. Sleep suffers, my emotions are wreck, and it becomes difficult to focus on any of those positives that help. So I use medication. I level off the darkest moments, I get better rest, and I have the strength to carry on. I use these tools, these chemicals in my brain alongside everything else. Because it's how I can function the way I need to. Trust me I know there is a stigma on using mental health medication. I see it in people's eyes. I've had people ask me if I truly need it. The answer is I have to drown those voices out too. Because without it. I can be a wreck. Someone I'd rather not be. So I'll do all I can to not be.
I have to recognize two major things. One there is a difference between intrusions and temptations. Second, I need Jesus but it's not enough, so I have therapy and meds too. And I'm ok with that. Guess what. If that's your paradigm that's more than ok too. You're not alone, you're not weak, you're not wicked. It's just your brain, and your lot in life. We're in this together. Now this isn't an advocation for medication in all mental health cases, or even for all who share my diagnoses. This is just an honest heartfelt expression of both the testimony that one can face sin, and still hurt. One can learn how to control their thoughts, do the right thing and still need help. One can truly believe in Jesus and have faith and practice their religion. They can develop a relationship with him and it still not be enough. They can still be weighed down.
But there are ways to lighten the load. Things can get manageable. They can get better. I'm living proof. There's a chance you are too.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2004/04/the-atonement-all-for-all?lang=eng
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/nt/gal/5?lang=eng
Very well said, and inspiring.
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