Changing Medication

Changing any psychiatric medication is a crazy experience. It's your brain literally dealing with changes in it's chemistry. That's not someone I say lightly. The chemical balance, amount, and distribution of neurotransmitters are part of what make you yourselves. To not have the proper scale or to rapidly change their amount or function hits you hard. For that reason I understand the caution and reticence that accompanies the idea of using these meds. But for some of us we need them. Sometimes the right meds make the difference. A severe, immediately apparent, difference. 

I just began a regimen of medication for my ADHD. It truly feels like waking up. I don't know how else to describe it. I feel like I've been in a fog of my own thoughts for way too long. Now there's a clarity.

That's the thing that's hard to talk about. Yes, I've gotten help, yes I've gotten therapy. It's made a difference. But I needed more help.

First it was medication for depression and anxiety. It leveled things off. It made me realize how dark things had been. It leveled panic attacks. It made me feel like I could get through the day for the first time in a long time.

But it was wasn't what I necessarily needed. It was treating symptoms. Real troubles I was having. But it wasn't get to the roots. It wasn't confronting the most severe problems.

That's because my normal wasn't normal. The depression is a direct, at times  more readily apparent, reflection of how hard it was for me to get through the day. I had no idea that the distracting thoughts, fixations, impulsivity, restlessness were not how most people live their day. I had no idea that the effort it took to just get through my work day was not typical. 

Just addressing them through some therapy was a start. An intimidating attempt to confront some of the trials and struggles I had. I'm thankful for that. But I realized pretty quickly I needed to address this more aggressively.

That meant reducing one medication and adding another medication. It was not a mad dash quick decision. It was one that took a lot of thought and preparation. It took more than one appointment. It took other work. But in the end the decision was made.

I can only say that there is a clarity and focus that I never knew that I was lacking. It truly was a night and day difference. It's what I needed. I can truly say that. In order to find get the ability to make changes, and the room to breathe to implement them I need this medication.

Now this isn't to say that everyone has to use medication for depression, anxiety, ADHD or other psychiatric problems or diagnoses. But it does mean it's a necessity for some of us. I'm one of those people.

And taking meds has some things you have to consider. First when you take them, it needs to be consistent. Working nights half the week but not the other half does complicate that. Two, you will have some side effects. You have to decide it they're worth the therapeutic benefit. You also need to be willing to address or mitigate them. Three, you need to not miss doses on a lot of meds. The fall out for missing an anti depressant for me is immediate, painful, and lasts at least a day. 

Having truly contemplated those considerations, I find myself truly in a place where this was the right move. Regardless of stigma, my own pride, and the other obstacles, I keep coming to the same conclusion. That I'm at a place where I need medication. For awhile at the very least. And that's okay. Because I had no idea how hard it was without it. I had no idea how bad things had been for me. 

I still have a lot of work to do. I still need to figure out a way to stay organized that is effective and simple enough to not be overwhelming. I still need to work on being aware of my actions and my thought patterns. Actively working on impulsivity, especially in interactions and conversations. And I need to use the focus I've gained from medication to learn better study skills. I can't keep relying on coping mechanisms that have outlived their usefulness. 

I just hope that if I say something about my own struggles and journey. If I'm real and honest that we can realize that sometimes meds are needed. That we shouldn't have a stigma to get help. Because the difference for me is so stark. And I don't think I'm alone in that, that I need my medication.