Reevaluating what it means to sin

I am in a new place. And it’s shocking how fast I got here. If you want to have a wake up call, re-examine your faults based on the harm they’ve caused others. Emotional, physical, spiritual. All the sudden your most common sins are not the absences in obvious conformity; no they’re the simple slights and harms to others.

I just did this over the past weeks and let’s just say I feel really convicted by it. It's led me to a place where I am completely reevaluating what it means for me to sin. 

It’s startling to make realizations about how we treat others. The worst damage is often a much smaller slight than we had imagined, or even unintentional.

I’ve spoken in the past of the danger of rating sins. I still think that matters, especially when we judge others. But I’ve softened on how I feel about that when it comes to self evaluation.

When we judge others we are often examining them in the abstract and out of context. We can’t pass judgement without complete knowledge of the situations we’re evaluating. And most of the time we don’t have that. 

But when it comes to the harm we do to others. We have the ultimate barometer. We have what others tell us. And that can be hard to hear. But it’s necessary.

We often aren’t aware of the amount of harm and damage we do to others. But when they make us aware we have to do something.

We usually have the best intentions. I know I have. And I’m not usually attempting to inflict harm. Or I think I’m justified when I do. Or I think I’m better than others. 

That requires self reflection this brings the next step is greater awareness and empathy. And that often requires dialogue. We have to know the people we interact with. And we have to have the humility to listen to the damage we’ve done.

That’s hard. I’m not great at it. Especially in the moment. But I’m getting better. And I hope that with space and reflection I can be even better at it. 

A recent amount of introspection and intense conversation with two people that I respect and love the most, I’ve realized how harmful I’ve been. And it led me to an even greater realization. 

What we think is helping can often be the greatest harm. What I thought was most helpful was doing some of the greatest harm. 

That stung deep. But I needed to hear it. To see it. And I have so much change to do. And it’s not something I can do alone.

Thankfully, in the greatest of ironies, the people I’ve harmed the most are the ones most readily working to help me change and grow. And that’s spectacular. It’s wonderful.

We need to ask people what they're experiencing, and compare it to our perception of what we're experiencing. This isn't a scientific exercise. No this is entirely a relational one. 

I've really been trying to do this. One thing I’ve learned through this experience is that harm is not experienced universally. But that shouldn’t surprise me because trauma never is. 

I used to be afraid of being called a moral relativist. But now I think it’s unavoidable. 

We often hear that we're in the same storm but different boats. It's a wonderful image. But I think it applies greatly here. 

This leads me to my earlier conversation about how I’ve softened on rating my own sins. 

I used to think that my sexuality was one of my greatest liabilities to sin. Just existing. Let alone if I chose to acknowledge it. Heaven forbid I act on it.

I would hear that pride was the greatest and most grievous of sins. 

Now in my life. I’m not feeling that way. 

Who I am isn’t inflicting harm. What I do. How I interact with others can. 

I have to be so much more cognizant of how I speak to others. How I react. And I need to be open to have the conversations to know.

I think it’s yielding some benefits. And I think that’s true repentance. 

I’m changing. And it’s bringing hope to me. And I readily believe and have faith that same hope is also reaching others. 

This has changed how I view restitution and its relationship to sin and repentance. The severity of it all. 

The severity of the harm, the inability to rectify, and the inability to complete repentance all weigh on the severity of sin. 

The hardest things to repent of and are the gravest to me are those I cannot change on my own. I can change my own behaviors that harm myself. It's much harder to change and improve relationships I have with others. And some things aren't always repairable but don't seem to have a clear road to rectification in their harm, things like harm to land or animals. But those don't always harm people the same way. 

But it's just made me ponder what repentance really means. That is more than just restitution but also a lot of contrition. It's the change that keeps us from causing the same harms over and over that matters. 

As we live in a pluralistic society we need to really address what it means to coexist. What it means to live with each other. The compromises and grace that comes with that. 

Which leads me to what I've really really been thinking about. Intentionality. We're going to have 

we're going to have moments where we rub against each other. Moments where we cause offense. Moments of harm that we may not be aware of. Moments of ethical murkiness. That's the inevitability of so many various needs. 

Now the difference between the inevitable nature of society and something much worse is what we do when we become aware of that harm. Do we continue it or not? If we do, if we intentionally cause harm? That's cruelty? That's a minor evil. Or a great one. 

I don't want to be cruel again. I thought that would be easier than the chore of looking for unintentional spites. But it's harder than I thought it would be to recognize when I'm acting out of spite and anger, and often attempting to harm, even with a simple barb. 

I need to do better. And I've rarely felt more convicted to do so.