this is what I believe

There are a lot of strong feelings about religion. Even as I write that sentence I can feel the understatement sinking in. I began writing this a couple weeks ago and things have continued to weigh in on my mind on this topic.

A few weeks ago I spent some time reflecting on the specific issue regarding the financial holdings and investments of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It spawned a level of discussion I was not anticipating. Some conversations that have resulted in requests on my time, energy, and focus I have not yet finished but wholeheartedly plan to. It got me reflecting a lot about my relationship with my faith in general. As I found myself looking at the current political climate that internal dialogue and investigation went even deeper. Now that the Utah senate has voted to decriminalize polygamy this will just cause more reflection and scrutiny. As will Mitt Romney’s discussion of faith and it’s role in his impeachment votes.

I've written some about faith. My beliefs, my struggles at times. But I realize very rarely have I taken the time to truly reflect on how I found, sought after, and developed that faith. It's something I've even sometimes avoided. But I don't feel like I should anymore so I'm going to go there for a change.

I was raised as a member of the "Mormon" church by two convert parents. It was just a part of life. It wasn't a blatant over the top blast as much as a quiet aspect of daily conversation and action. Family prayers, family scripture study, and an encouragement of the individual. Sunday service attendance, cub scouts, boy scouts, youth group, dances, early morning seminary classes all came in sequence with the proper age. That was life. That was worship.

As I started more teenage activities and continued in responsibility and understanding I began to realize that I was just going through the motions. I didn’t really have my own faith. I realized in time that I didn’t have a testimony of my own. I didn’t know what I personally believed. It was my first crisis of faith. It shook me. I continued to go through the motions so to speak. I didn’t know what to do at first. So I took stock of things.

I realized that I wasn’t sure if my personal prayers were answered. I didn’t know if scripture was the word of God or not. I decided those were the first two things I needed to figure out. So I began to pray more earnestly. I began to read scripture. A lot of scriptures and holy texts of varied sources. I read the Book of Mormon, The Bible first. I then simultaneously began reading about Church History and other religions’ works of scripture. Writings about the Torah and the Apocrypha came first, then readings from the Quran, the Ramayana, the Mahabharata, the Buddha, some writings of Confucius, and parts of the Tao Te Ching. I cast a purposefully wide net. All while still attending church, seminary, and other activities. 

During this time of my life I took to heart to scriptures. James 1:5-6, and Moroni 10:3-5. Two scriptures about how to ask God for answers and how to receive them. I put them to the test. I began to listen. I got a couple answers. At that same time I had two leaders, who cared for me and helped me. They helped me realize that prayer had real application, and could help me. The first testimony I really developed was about prayer and that there was a God and he listened. He was there he answered my prayers.

That was the foundation that came between age 13 and 15. It was a start. As I developed the testimony that prayer was real, I began even more earnestly to press to know. I was frustrated. I wasn’t getting a solid, tangible answer of what scripture to follow. I felt most at peace with the Old Testament first. So subtlety I didn’t realize it. Then I began to feel a greater peace with the New Testament. 

That gave me hope. True hope for the first time in my life. I began to understand a bit more about Christ's role in all of our lives. Hope to change. Hope to be better. I had my struggles as a teenager and the thought of redemption began to have more appeal. More need. Those prayers became more real.

After that was established, my goal was to know how I was to worship. Over those studies I narrowed it down to the Catholics and the Mormons. The two Christian denominations with the most clarified delineation of authority. I began to pray to know which church to join. 

There were sleepless nights at that point in my life. I remember vividly that summer between 15 and 16 rereading Joseph Smith's account of the first vision. That event where a young 14 year old farm boy beheld Heavenly Father and his Son Jesus Christ. I came away with a confirmation I couldn't deny. That he actually saw them. That the basis, the beginnings of the restoration of the gospel and the earthly authority to practice it began in that moment.

I then began to savor the gospel and doctrinal truths of the Book of Mormon. In which another testament of the divinity and mission of Jesus Christ existed. I can't deny the effect it's had on my life, my relationship with my savior, and how I live my life. 

This newfound testimony (there is no other word for the experience) sustained me through a difficult junior and senior year. It gave me the motivation I needed to finish high school. Even if I felt lost at that point. I realized the call to serve a mission was one I had to answer. So a few months before my 19th birthday I was readying myself and applied for mission service. 

My mission was a high point of my life. From receiving a call to serve to actually serving I loved every moment of it. I was called to serve in the Mesa Arizona mission. I served there for six months. At which point the Arizona heat and brightness had taken a toll. So I then spent 18 months in the Lansing Michigan mission. I can't say I loved every moment at the time. But I miss it now. It was a simplicity. A focus on others and the Savior that I've never been able to match in my life. To spend every day in the literal service of your God and your fellow man cannot be understated. To read and devour scripture, to pray earnestly, and hope to make a difference. It's been a profound developmental experience that I carry with me and think about daily.

Now I struggled on my mission, it took work. It wasn't always easy. I was lucky to make it through in some ways. And some of the hardship was not the direct work. Some of it was mental and physical health, others was the interaction with those opposed to your purpose. I still carry those lessons as well.

I came home from that mission. In two years I married. In about three, I was in the army. Now I have children of my own. I live my life. I still have that testimony. But as alluded to in this entire searching process and struggle, it's not always easy to find for me.

Before, during, and after my mission I was faced with inconvenient truths about the church, not just slander. Not every criticism of the church is unfounded. That was a hard pill to swallow. But it needs to be said. I devoured every book I could find about the history of the church. It's early leaders, their teachings, their guidance. Through that and to now I found hard pills to swallow. Polygamy, Mountain Meadows, some of the doctrine of Brigham Young, race and priesthood ordinations, and the stance on homosexuality. Those all cause me to have to take a breath. Some have caused unease. Now I cannot say that I can reconcile every event or doctrine with my faith. It's a constant struggle. One I am openly frank about. I don't always have an answer for my devotion in the face of opposition, of criticism. My only answer is this. Any man serving as a prophet is a conduit. They have imperfections, biases, agendas. Those get in the way of purity of the doctrine and revelation they can receive. Often that clouding is not malicious in nature. It's just humanity. Prophets and leaders both ancient and modern struggled. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, Aaron, David, Jonah, Hosea, Jeremiah, Peter, Alma the Younger, Alma the Elder, Joseph Smith, and countless others were all corrected or rebuked. It's part of being human. That single fact combined with the undeniable spiritual experiences I've had lead me to continue in the faith I chose and was baptized in. 

This faith permeates every aspect of my daily life. That cannot be understated. It determined who I would date, that in turn determined who I would marry, and how we would raise our children. It determines my social behavior. It changes how I approach a difficult decision. It bleeds into my political and policy views. My job performance and choice of profession even. Prayer, maintaining moral standards, and listening for promptings from a Holy Spirt I've heard before are a part of every part of my life. Now I have a disclaimer. I fall short. I curse, I have a temper, and I'm trying to change. That may make me a hypocrite when I state that everything I do is through this spiritual lens. But I'm ok with that. It means I human. I'll  be corrected. I'll have to repent. I'll need redemption.

I felt strongly the need to say this, write this for a reason. We're in a partisan atmosphere that is dangerous. Faith feels attacked, minorities, political affiliations, all of the above. I'm not above the fray (see earlier writings about flaws). But I have ideas that are directly related to my faith. I think it could be a common ground. Or at the very least, an olive branch to help understand me better. 

I know this is long. It's a bit freeform. I know it rambles. So in the last paragraph or two I want to make something explicitly clear. I believe in a literal God in Heaven. Our Heavenly Father. I believe he had a plan for all of his children to learn, to grow, and to fail. That necessitated the need for redemption. That required two individuals. First Jesus Christ. The only man to live a perfect life, the one who is the literal son of God. He is my literal Savior. He performed an atonement for my sins, failures, weaknesses, and pain. Literally. Then he broke the bands of death so we can live again. Then following that they left the Holy Ghost, a spirt to guide and to comfort us.

I truly believe that. I have had undeniable experiences that make that so. And I fall short of the expectation I should hold myself too because of those experiences. Now that isn't the only undeniable spiritual answer I've had. I've had three more. One, learning that Joseph Smith was a prophet. Two, knowing I should stay out and finish my mission. Three, knowing that I needed to marry Emma. That's it. Those are on par with knowing there is a hope for my weak broken soul. 

That's my faith. That's how it was earned. I'm going to write more about this. More about faith. More about hope. I need more in my life. Maybe this is a way to capture that missionary fire again. Or maybe it will help someone else in a struggle. Or maybe it's literally just to save me. I don't know. But if you made it this far. I love you guys. I'd love to hear from you. Know what this makes you think about. Because I haven't been able to stop for weeks about this.