Faith, Perfection, and Progression

One of the greatest struggles I’ll always have is between my inscrutable curiosity and my faith. 

Research, experience, intelligence, all come up against dogmatism, faith, and traditions.

There are aspects of current policies, expectations, and practices that I cannot currently reconcile. Let alone historical discrepancies. 

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have faith.

That doesn’t mean I do not have a relationship with God. With my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

All it means is I’m choosing to be more authentic about my life and faith. 

In order for myself to have Faith in God I have to embrace certain conditions. First that only God is perfect. Nothing else on earth, nothing in this life, plane of existence is perfect. We are commanded to be perfect. But will never attain it. That leads me to point number two. 

Everything in this life is in a state of progression. All of God’s creation is striving to and moving toward perfection. Everything is working toward God’s designs. Humans most of all. Progression or regression as we the flawed pinnacle of creation muddle through life. Requiring growth. Seeking. Enabling or ennobling us to live and at some point, in this life or the next just see the perfection we’re working toward. 

See faith is not entirely rational or logical. And in my desire to understand and formulate I have to find ways to quantify and qualify it. To explain, and to explore. 

See I’ve had spiritual experiences I can’t deny. But even that isn’t enough to address all of my concerns. Knowing God, believing in Christ. I have that. A witness. Something undeniable.

That much I know.

But I struggle.

Recent talks in firesides. Confronting questioning. Ignoring or reducing struggles of faith. Our historical foibles and struggles.

It enhanced the struggle. 

There are questions that investigations. That curiosity have laid bare. Race, history, polygamy, the nature of revelation. All of that. It’s an itch. One I can’t seem to scratch.

But those aren’t what keeps me up most at night. 

Watching people walk away, be driven away for who they love. That does. How can people be compelled to be with a spouse they love and still face damnation? Truly. Doctrinally, how can we ask a not insignificant group of people to a life of celibacy?

I mean this. 

How can a relationship built on love, trust, and one full of fidelity, service be wrong?

I struggle. Doctrinally I can’t reconcile how we isolate and leave the queer community to a struggle we won’t ask of the straight community. Culturally I’m sickened by how so many still discount it. Or worse treat it as an affront against all creation. 

I’ve read. I’ve prayed. But I don’t have an answer yet. I worry I’ll never find one.

And that’s why I have to reconcile my faith. 

I have undeniable spiritual experiences. A love and relationship with deity. Yet I’m full of questions and yes doubt.

The only way I can survive is by turning into my and my fellow man’s fallibility. Only God is perfect and the rest of us are progressing.

Culturally I’ve seen massive changes in my life time. I don’t know if I’ll see a doctrinal one. But that’s enough for me for now.

It may not be enough for those with stronger faith. It may seem like a betrayal to allies and members of the LGBT+ community. 

But that’s where I’m at. 

I have to be true. I have to be authentic. And I have to live that way. Or else I’m not progressing. I’m not feeling that connection. I lose my faith.