How much is me, how much is the (insert mental illness)?

 "How much is me how much is the (insert mental illness)?"

It's a question anyone with mental illness has asked themselves at least once. If not repeatedly. It's a question that ebbs and flows. During times of crisis, severe symptoms etc, it becomes a plea. When you start taking meds, it can become quizzical. Murky or cloudy at best. Confusion at worst. 

Some tell us we need not ask the question. That there is no disorder, just a unique way of looking at the world. Others speak of personal responsibility overriding or controlling anything else.

I think neither adequately answer the question. Both approaches miss the mark. The dismiss the reality of dealing with one’s mental health. One that things can be abnormal or disordered. And two, that it can be out of one’s control. Once we accept those two truths we realize how central and vital the question is. How hard it can be to address it. 

One of the challenges with addressing the question is that the answer will change depending on time and season. At least that has been my experience.

It’s an experience that has had it’s share of ups and downs. It changes how I view or ask these simple questions. And it's important for me to honestly assess where I am. What I know.

This is what I know right now. 

I’m no longer crashing. That much is sure.

I don’t feel like I’m soaring non-stop.

But I find myself asking, “what’s me and what’s my mania?”

See I know when I’m depressed. I know when my ADHD is out of control. I know hyperfixation. I know despondent. But my mania. It’s cloudier. It feels more nefarious. 

I am an extrovert. I am fairly high energy. I move quickly; I talk even faster. 

All of that is true. But mania is an amplification of it all. But more. I already struggle with my executive function. But when I’m up. My impulse control plummets. My emotion regulation is gone. Even though I’m not exhausted. So much can feel “good”. It can feel so familiar. It’s hard to tell if a thought is formative or intrusive. 

I want to take responsibility for my actions. I want to take control of my thoughts. And it’s hard to know. 

Add stressors. Add difficult life events, new medications, sickness, injury. All of it can add an opacity to determining the basis of my thoughts and an emotions. 

Our mind. Our brain. It's an interesting place. It's an object, yet abstract. There is biological/neurological forces, and also mindset. Sifting through all that. To find who we are. I don't know. It's tough. I don’t know all the answers. But at times of struggle I find myself asking the question over again. “Is it me or is it (insert mental health struggle)?” 

But now. I’m not going to ruminate like I used to. I’m just accepting the journey. I need to embrace the unknown. To understand what's between and underneath that question. And for the first time in a long time there is hope. To not only find the answer, but to know how to live with it.