I served. I'm not serving now. I don't feel I deserve an opinion on Ukraine.

It's weird to watch the world at the cusp of war. To see individual nations wracked with conflict and violence. 

I served in the Army. I was a 68W combat medic.

I was separated for an injury sustained during service.

I never deployed. 

It's strange. 

I have skills the Army gave me. And a bunch of injuries. Not much more.

Now a war is brewing. 

Whether we want to consider ourselves at war or not, we're looking at thousands of soldiers deployed, resources marshalled, unprecedented sanctions. It's a cold war at the very least.

It's strange to see the footage out of Ukraine and know. I won't be a part of it.

I served my time and walked away bloodied, torn, and arguably broken. My physical health is never going to be the same after my service. My mental health took a beating. It's over. My eligibility is gone. 

It's weird because in very recent months I've worked really hard to gain more understanding of what is out of whack in my body. I've put in the effort to make changes to get my health on track.

But that's not enough to suit back up.

For that reason I find myself in a strange place I don't know how to qualify or quantify. I can't describe this feeling of being perpetually out of the fight. I don't know if I can have an opinion on how to use our resources. How to deploy our service members. When I can't follow them, and haven't paid the same price so many veterans paid by deploying to a combat zone. I feel like I need and compelled to keep things close to my chest. 

That's frustrating. It's almost emasculating. It makes me frustrated to a degree I couldn't quite comprehend. My service was entirely training and garrison. Granted being a medic meant I got to do my job and perform duties I trained for on a regular basis. But I didn't have the opportunity to deploy in my career. And it hollows out how I often feel about my service. 

And that tearing up sensation is compounded right now. I haven't seen the line of good and evil in a conflict demonstrated this well in my lifetime. Stark. Clear.

But because of everything listed above I don't feel that I can remark on whether or not we go to war. That's not a cop out. I've waffled back and forth, leaning toward more involvement. But over the past week that's changed. Because it's not my fight. And not only that, but there is a growing realization that it will never be my fight again. Those days are over for me. 

I need to put my money where my mouth is. If I want to support Ukraine I need to do it individually. I need to not speak for current service members. I need to support veteran organizations. 

It's where I am now. It's not my fight anymore. And in some ways I never got to fight. It wasn't my lot then, it isn't my lot now. 

I just hope that we all can keep in sight who will be most impacted, who will do the sacrificing, in all of this. I had that moment this week where that recognition came into place. I remember enlisting during a time of war. Recognizing the risks. And trusting a command team to use me in the way that would be most impactful, use my skills. That isn't my place anymore. But boy do I remember the cost it had.

I pray we all think about that. Whether we're vets, civilians, active duty. We all need to think about impacts and costs.