I can’t watch it right now

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I’m not going to watch Under the Banner of Heaven. Not now. Maybe in the future. Maybe not. But I know I can't right now.

For those unaware a miniseries is premiering on Hulu that stars Andrew Garfield. It tells the story of a murder of a woman in Utah that was influenced by a fundamentalist reading of early doctrine of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It's already ruffling some feathers, and being praised in other circles. And like I've said; I'm not watching it. 


Now the reason for that isn’t that I’m afraid of what I might see. It’s not. I’ve already had to confront the complex and often dogmatic history of my faith. Truly I have. I've faced down Danites, blood atonement doctrine, the Mountain Meadows massacre, polygamy, blacks and the priesthood. There are things to face in our history as a member of the Church I belong too. No that’s not the reason I can't watch. 


It’s not even this specific incident. I’ve read and researched this one a couple years ago when the book came out. I read a lot of court documents, read up on the trials. I feel like I'm familiar enough with the material. I've come to terms with the incident for myself. I’m not avoiding this one by not ingesting it in another form of media at this time. I don't have to experience it that way. 


I also am do not think this is a production intentionally meant to be a hit piece on my faith. I know many people of my faith who will think that. But in my reading, its meant to shine a light. I worry in the brightness that nuance will be lost, and some things will be highlighted in a way that misses things. I get how people who have left the faith may feel it's necessary at this time. I can see why they latch onto this. But I'm in a different place in my journey.

While I do not wish this production ill will I'm of the opinion that there will be inevitable contention. Regardless of intent this will be a lightning rod. It will spark. We need to be honest about that. We need to determine now how we will 

The reason I won’t is I don’t have the mental bandwidth. I don’t have the time or the energy for this right now. I just don’t. I need my faith for my mental health right now. For real direct challenges I’m facing. I need Christ. I need light. I have to overcome very real physical challenges. For me, for my family, faith is still sustaining light.



For those reasons I’m out. But I don't want to fight with either side over this one. 


For those facing this release with trepidation. I get where you're coming from. For those excited, or anticipating catharsis; I see you. 


I have faith. And I have struggles. To this day. Moments like these will continue to happen. I just hope I can continue to face them. Avoid the contention. I hope I can be a light in discussions. Not everything about history or faith in a religion are easy. And to be honest I don't know how I fully feel about this one. I just know, I can't fully participate right now. 

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