It's the way my mind works.

-

 I don't always get the joke. I have to work through to the punchline. I get it last. But I'm supposed to be smart. I keep hearing that. I'm so freaking smart. But I don't always get the joke.

I used to think it was naivety. But looking back it was something more.

There's a reason I have to play with my hair. Why I'm constantly running my fingers through it. Because I can't bite my nails like I used to. Or sing to myself. Talk to my self. I'm too old. But I feel compelled to do something. It's the way my mind works. It's the crutch that's soothing. I have to be honest about that. Look back at how often I've used physical stimuli to focus on what's happening in the here and now, or keep my emotions in check.

I'm trying to focus in on how I tick. See what are prominent trends and do something about it. Use it, change behavior, change performance. I can't live on "being smart but unmotivated" forever. I need to reconcile my confidence in my intelligence with the fact that I have so much work to do.

I hate the way my voice sounds recorded. I don't hear my volume or tone day to day. I can't believe how it sounds when I hear it. It makes me wonder what else I;m missing day to day.

Hints are my worst enemy for the same reason. I miss pieces that I'm supposed to just see, understand, and then know. But that's not how my brain operates.

I question everything I know. Until I know it. Not just in interactions, but in everything.

See I know when I know something, there's a surety to it. Now that may come across as the height of pride and arrogance. But it's not. It's rooted in a weird form of humility and uncertainty. There is a large gulf, and intensity that takes hold between not knowing and knowing for me. I have to know the big picture then I dive into the minutia. I have to research all the angles, all the details, and distill it down. If I can't find and determine the answer then I don't know. I mean that sincerely. I am devil's advocate almost as much as I'm the subject matter expert. I exist so often in the grey because I'm finding the answers. That's why I feel a surety when I finally know something. I know the answer. I know where to find it. If needed I could very quickly access it. 

I don't know what all of this means. But over the past year or so I've delved deeply into my mental health. My behavior, my cognition, all of it. I have a lot of work to do still. But I need to be present. I need to be honest. Then I can evaluate who I am. Something I never thought would be this hard to do.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Why I’m here. An update.

-
Image
After conference weekend I’ve got a mixed bag of emotions. But I see myself coming down in the same place. I’m still a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I don’t see that changing either.  As someone with a bit of nuance in this space I’ve heard it from people on both sides. Why do I stay in the church? I’ve always told people it’s for the sacrament. I’ve told people it’s because I’ve had spiritual experiences that I can’t deny. And all of that is true. But it’s more. A little bit at least. The Book of Mormon means a lot to me. As a book of scripture it really helped clarify and focus my belief in Christ and his divinity. Without it I don’t think I would hold onto Christ as much as I do spiritually; especially in regards to the atonement and resurrection. Yes there is plenty in the Bible I draw upon. But there is something more, deeper, and different when it comes to the Book of Mormon. If I had to pick a single passage of scripture that’s saved me over and over
Read more

I spoke in church this Sunday.

-
Image
I spoke in church today. About feeling the spirit and the hand of God in our lives. I included below links the source talk I was asked to reference and to a performance the hymn I quoted. It’s a pretty Sunday. Here’s my talk.  Good morning, my name is Witter Case and I was asked to speak about experiencing the spirit and hand of God in our lives. I'll be using Elder Bednar's most recent conference talk.  This was a subject I found I could use some reflection upon. I think that is part of why this portion of Elder Bednar’s recent talk really spoke to me.  “I asked our guests if they had any observations they wanted to share. One of the journalists said with great emotion, “I have never experienced anything like that in my entire life. I did not know quiet like that existed in the world; I simply did not believe such stillness was possible.” I was struck by both the sincerity and the starkness of this person’s statement. And the journalist’s reaction highlighted one important
Read more

How can we have shared the same faith with such different results?

-
Image
The majority of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints just voted for Donald Trump for President of the United States, again.  I’m not surprised but I am pretty confused. Again. Especially because their faith and the stances of the church are not always in line with Donald Trump’s. I’m giving the benefit of the doubt because we all have to compromise on policy. I just hope that regardless of who we voted for we can agree to support some of the specific policies the church endorsed that he does not. So I  have a few questions and examples here: First thing I would ask. How does Trump's policies align at all with the church's stances on immigration? Will you support the DACA recipients that are now under attack? What about his proposed mass deportations? His reductions of refugees? When Trump was serving his first term as president he opposed the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program (DACA). He reduced refugee admissions and legal immigration. One of
Read more