Witt's End

I hope this goes over well. But maybe it doesn't. I just felt I had something to add to what I was writing and mulling over the last few days.  It's a bit blunt.  It's more wholly personal than I thought I would write.  I hate the idea of struggling with Same Sex Attraction. I struggle with mania, depression, anxiety, racing thoughts, ADHD, and a whole host of other mental challenges. Finding women and men attractive is not something I struggle with. It’s just something that’s part of me. An intrinsic aspect of my experience. One that may add turmoil at times, one that causes friction with other aspects of my life and can exacerbate my mental challenges. But it’s not a struggle. I need to be open and honest about that. Especially with how lucky I am. I have a beautiful wife I met shortly after my mission. We have four beautiful children. That renders a lot of the challenges I could face for being who I am moot. But that doesn’t mean I need to address who I am more clearly.

I've rarely felt more compelled to put pen to paper or run my fingers over a keyboard but here we are. Before I really did into the meat of this I have to make something clear. I'm just talking about how I feel. The complexity of it all. I don't make or write any policy of the church I am active in. I can only address my faith, my experience, and all that follows. The gospel of Jesus Christ is available to all. The solace and peace it brings is incredible.  The cost for an individual to feel that in their lives, to readily access the atonement of Christ. It's not the same from person to person. But there are pieces that resonate through us all. Whether that theme is readily available to us all or not. One of the most common themes is the preservation of our family. The bonding and unity. Both nuclear, spiritual, and of humankind in general. It's a theme that drove a lot of who I am.  On my mission that theme became obviously salient to me in the realm of immigration

I got the bad luck of the draw when it comes to genetics and my liver. Hemochromatosis, that hit my liver hard. Night shift, bad diet, meds, and I added a bunch of fat to my liver. Those two things equaled cirrhosis. I've never drank and there is permanent scarring in my liver. That sucks.  There's one thing that can help my organs right. Cut weight.  I was/am heavier than most people realize. I'm carrying a lot of belly fat. And I hate. Worse than the health factors of this situation are how I see myself.  There are a lot of things I really dislike about my body. At times I've hated parts. I still do. I have to own that. Because it's a motivating factor of my current ramp up of physical activity. I have a desire to change my body the best I can. Not just for what's happening inside of it. But how it looks on the outside, and how limited I am in doing activities I used to take for granted. I hate my chest, having a tire around my belly. I hate how winded I get.

I've come to a realization there is either a women's right to choose or there isn't.  I can't look at trigger laws that ban all abortions with no rape and incest exceptions and think there is anything less than a duality happening. Most of these states don't even allow for the early delivery of an unviable pregnancy or fetus. That's medically an abortion. But it's not listed. Just I wish people would actually read the texts of these bills. Arkansas-https://advance.lexis.com/documentpage/?pdmfid=1000516&crid=e2fa69e2-770e-4beb-81d1-6f65d9ce59e9&pdistocdocslideraccess=true&config=00JAA2ZjZiM2VhNS0wNTVlLTQ3NzUtYjQzYy0yYWZmODJiODRmMDYKAFBvZENhdGFsb2fXiYCnsel0plIgqpYkw9PK&pddocfullpath=%2fshared%2fdocument%2fstatutes-legislation%2furn%3acontentItem%3a5VP3-XJT0-R03K-50GB-00008-00&pdcomponentid=234171&pdtocnodeidentifier=AAFAAHAACAAEAAF&ecomp=pghckkk&prid=ffce55be-acb2-4261-823f-7a08f76350a2 Louisiana-https://legis.la.gov/Legis/Law.a

When do we truly have to prove we're right, and when can we let things go? That's a question I find myself constantly struggling with. Constantly everyday.  When it comes to social media, politics, the faceless discussions its innate to the process now. In today's hyperbolic and strained political environment it can be easy to swept up in debate. It can be so easy to be emotionally charged and fatalistic.  That's not what I'm speaking to here. No I'm thinking more personally. It's hard enough in personal conversations and relationships. I hear something wrong. Something that isn't factual. It's hard for me to let it go. This has been with me my whole life. I was that nerd who spent hours reading encyclopedia entries about anything that popped in my head. I still spend hours reading, researching, and learning. Over and over and over again. Often compulsively. This curiosity syncs with my ADHD and it's hyperfixations in ways I can't fully descr

Many times in history we have had people called out for having dual loyalties between their religion and their government. That one's patriotism is tainted by their faith. In our own history we have the Quakers, Catholics, Mormons, Seventh Day Adventists, all called out at various times and circumstances. Our nation is based on partially on the puritans and their troubles with the British government. Throughout history and in various countries Jewish people were scapegoated and their loyalties called into question. And in the modern era Muslim citizens of multiple nations face bigotry and prejudices over it.  The animus that arises between religions and governments in not new. Sadly it hasn't changed in time.  If anything it’s gotten worse.  Now we’ve added something new and gotten to the point where not only can your patriotism be questioned by your religious affiliation, your religiosity can be absolutely questioned by your political affiliation. It is absolutely insane. A he

I am not a perfect saint. Not by any stretch. I think that should be apparently clear in my writing at this point. My faith, my experiences, vision, identity, don't match up. How I know God sees me, how I see myself, and what I am striving to be, aren't a perfect composite.  One thing really stands out. The language that comes out of my mouth. It's so far from perfect. And it's what I "struggle" with the most. Cursing for me is weird. I recoil at using the lord's name in it's variations. But about anything else, I don't. I have my hardline(s). But beyond that. I don't. I say what comes to mind. I write what comes to mind. And I strive for it to be honest. I've struggled with that last part at different points of my life. But that desire "to be honest in my dealings with my fellow man" leads to a conflict with the pure heart and mind side of commitment and worship. There's a desire to be authentic. For me more than anything. An

There's an ethereal place for the human soul. A sense, a feeling, we all can connect to.  Meditation, prayer, yoga, art, music, dance, sports, fights, fishing, hunting or war. Being consumed in a present that you transcend yet inhabit simultaneously. You hear people talk about energy, chakra. All of those things. Surpassing this plane of existence. All of these aspects of  This idea of transcendence isn't truly a part of western Christian philosophy. The idea of clearing one's mind. Inhabiting the present. It's not something antithetical to the practice of the gospel and doctrine of Jesus Christ. It's just not a part of the culture let alone worship. That doesn't mean the practice is without merit.  One aspect of Christianity we don't always discuss is the call to leave behind attachments. To give everything to the Lord. It was the commission asked of the Apostles. It was what was asked of Moses. And it's what is often asked of many of us. Give up riches