I'm not a Saint, I don't know if I'll ever be

I am not a perfect saint. Not by any stretch. I think that should be apparently clear in my writing at this point. My faith, my experiences, vision, identity, don't match up. How I know God sees me, how I see myself, and what I am striving to be, aren't a perfect composite. 

One thing really stands out.

The language that comes out of my mouth. It's so far from perfect. And it's what I "struggle" with the most.

Cursing for me is weird. I recoil at using the lord's name in it's variations. But about anything else, I don't. I have my hardline(s). But beyond that. I don't. I say what comes to mind. I write what comes to mind. And I strive for it to be honest.

I've struggled with that last part at different points of my life. But that desire "to be honest in my dealings with my fellow man" leads to a conflict with the pure heart and mind side of commitment and worship. There's a desire to be authentic. For me more than anything. And it's paramount. I don't know exactly how to describe it. But it results in conflict. Way too often.

But I'm afraid there is something deeper. The maverick side. The rebel heart. That authenticity drives hard. The music I listen too, play, write. The words I put on pages. The hair style. Various ways to be me. They don't always line up with the conformity expected of faith, especially that of my church. I know that. and it can go deeper. 

It's my goal to live the gospel. Something I've found simpler and simpler with more study and experience. The gospel is to love one another, and to emulate our savior, and follow him through word and deed. It's success is dependent on us reaching other people. Being there, connected to more than ourselves. At least that's how I see it. 

The commandments guide us. Doctrine clarifies and directs us. But the most important part is how we love God, and how we love other people. That last part is the hard part. And people know, they can see if you're authentic or not, if your love is real or not.

For a long time I was going through the motions on that part. Serving because I was supposed to. Being kind because I was asked to. With a little bit of age and experience that changed. I realized the people who cared most about me. How they made me and others truly feel. I tried to emulate that. I strove to be the one they needed, care for them how I hoped to be cared for. I realized I had to be real with people. My mission started that. The military proved it. And I hope that's how people see me now. 

Because, I curse a lot more than I should. I connect with music some people may not understand. But it's who I am. And even with it all. I feel more authentic, more real, more connected, both to my Savior and the people in my life who I love and who love me. And I can do better. One step at a time. And that's the point of it all. To just get a little better every day. And love a little more.