I've never struggled to title something more

I hope this goes over well. But maybe it doesn't.

I just felt I had something to add to what I was writing and mulling over the last few days. 

It's a bit blunt. 

It's more wholly personal than I thought I would write. 

I hate the idea of struggling with Same Sex Attraction. I struggle with mania, depression, anxiety, racing thoughts, ADHD, and a whole host of other mental challenges. Finding women and men attractive is not something I struggle with. It’s just something that’s part of me. An intrinsic aspect of my experience. One that may add turmoil at times, one that causes friction with other aspects of my life and can exacerbate my mental challenges. But it’s not a struggle.

I need to be open and honest about that. Especially with how lucky I am. I have a beautiful wife I met shortly after my mission. We have four beautiful children. That renders a lot of the challenges I could face for being who I am moot. But that doesn’t mean I need to address who I am more clearly.

We all have aspects of ourselves we hold more closely to our chests for various reasons. Our situation in life will dictate that. Our family, our religion, our job, our community all impact that.

I don't want to be overly dramatic or flowery here. I just want to be a little more open and honest about an aspect of who I am. Something that I don't talk about much.

I was raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I grew up in a conservative community with a conservative family. I served a mission for the church. I served in the Army. I work for the VA. I like fishing, I like my guns. A lot of that hits a lot of boxes of a pretty stereotypical man. I also like musicals. I watched all the romantic movies and a lot of female orientated dramas and soap operas growing up. I like clothes that are bright, shirts with floral prints. I'm not just one person.

I hid a lot of everything growing up that didn't fit, until in high school I stopped caring up to a point. I liked girls, I love my wife. But there was more than that. I didn't hide my love of comic books. I didn't hide what music I liked. But I hid that I liked boys too. I don't think I need to go into more details than that. 

Because I'm married now. Because I am lucky to have the most wonderful of wives. No one would know. I could keep this buried. But I feel like I can't.

This isn't going to be posted or shared past this blog. I'm not sure who, or if anyone will read this. But it's a step into the unknown for me.

There's a reason certain issues, policies, doctrines mean and weigh so much to me. I'm part of the demographic. In my own way. So I'm coming out. Quietly but still here. 

I don't know if anyone will care if I'm writing this. I wonder if anyone will wonder why. Or if this even matters.

But I've felt compelled to not say silent on this. I hope to let people they aren't alone. In either who they are, or what they struggle with. 

I've faced battles with my mental health. Uphill almost everyday at various times. This was a weight, but like I said earlier. It wasn't a struggle. And that weight informed how I experienced life. I'm at a point where I still don't fully understand it, but I'm thankful for it. This is an aspect of my identity I am more comfortable with than I've ever been, yet I've had more questions than ever before in my life. But somehow embracing that, embracing who I am. It's brought me the most peace. It's helping me learn how to be a better man. It's brought me closer to my Savior. I like to think I'm becoming a better husband and father. Because I feel more whole. 

I hope others can feel that.