I used to be.

Someone asked me why I care so much about Roe being overturned. Why I'm talking so much. Why I this position and others that seem contrary to the majority of my faith. It's not the first time I've been asked something similar. I think I need to talk about why.

It's simple and it's threefold. 

First I used to be anti immigration.

Second I used to be homophobic.

Third I used to be entirely pro life.

Things change.

----

The first shift was in regards to immigration. The largest shift happened as a missionary. I began as a 19 year old that thought no one should cross illegally. That it was a crime. It was harm to me and my family. I had some sympathy for those who left troubled lands to come to our own. I mean heck my grandmother was first generation from Germany. But that was the end of it. Not only did I have limited sympathy and a lack of knowledge I had a lot of bad jokes too. I'd be lying if I said some weren't racist.

Things changed. I spent time on the ground in Arizona as a missionary. I learned a little Spanish. The most supportive people we spoke too were those who were immigrants from various nations in Central and South America. It would be much too simplistic to call them all or even mostly Mexican. It changed me. Being in their homes, seeing their families. It changed me. My opinion continued to evolve as I taught people the gospel of Jesus Christ regardless of immigration status. It changed when I focused on preserving families regardless of the composition. It was lifechanging. It began to change my priorities. It deepened my empathy so much. 

Over the next couple years I became an immigration advocate. I supported DACA. I advocated for amnesty programs, and preservation of families. 

That deepened in the military as I met soldiers serving alongside me on DACA, receiving citizenship from enlisting, and other similar situations. It reinforced to me what I found on my mission. The things that bind us all. The power of seeking a better life for one and their family.

After becoming a veteran I found out about organizations that exist to help repatriate deported veterans. I'm outraged it's a problem at all. Everything I've done before, all the change in my heart and my mind make sense now. Something to write senators about. Inform people about. Do more about.

I haven't looked back.

----

The second move started next (or arguably earlier) but finished last. I used to try to be part of the boys and that came with jokes. Horrible jokes. It came with a fear of just being called gay. It was hating the teasing because I didn't have a girlfriend, my lime green converse, liking some of the music I liked. It was the fear of hiding in plain sight. That's what it was. I've written some lately about the process to accept the fact I was bi. It took a long time. It's something I'm still working out for myself. All I know is that I reached a point where I couldn't hide anymore. Where my choice to be married to the wife of my dreams shielded me. It kept me from harm. It was the ultimate way to avoid conversations, challenges I wasn't ready to have. But I was uneasy. I saw people struggling who didn't have the privilege of passing through life unnoticed. So I've spoken up more. I've quietly explained why. I've stopped hiding. Because this is bigger than just me. There is unfairness, there is injustice, and it has to be addressed. So I've gone from homophobia to doing outreach at Pride. 

Discrimination is discrimination. Rights are rights. I can’t let my faith keep me from writing wrongs. I have my conflict and wrestling with where I fit, exactly how I stand. I may always. But I can clearly fight for rights with a clear conscience.

----

Third, I used to think any abortion was a horrible heinous murder. I thought it was ghoulish and heartless. I had no idea how anyone could do that to a baby. 

I had no idea what I was talking about. I had no idea what the term meant medically.  I had no idea at social ramifications and structures. I was a lost case.

Two things started to break my utter ignorant confidence. One watching someone I respected go through a miscarriage. Late in the second trimester. It opened my eyes and it was the first time I heard the term abortion in a medical and not a political or media setting. 

The next thing shook me more. I watched a friend experience sexual assault and carry the baby to term. 

The ramifications of that stayed with me. But through that time and as a missionary I didn't change much of anything. 

Then I got married. Watched the woman I love more than anyone go through the wonder and terror that is pregnancy. I started to realize this was complicated.

I then worked with women professionally who had late term events that required intervention. Abortion. 

I realized I didn’t have this right. I started to lean on the fact that I didn’t like abortion. No one does. But there are times it’s absolutely necessary. The Church laid out exceptions, rape, incest, fetal incompatibility with life, and danger to the mother. It became my yardstick.

I was told by using that yardstick I wasn’t welcome in pro life circles quite the same way anymore. That rape and incest protections were not pro life. Problem is I’d seen them up close and I couldn’t back down. Same with fetal incompatibility. 

The final straw was working hospice and running afoul of the end of life stance of some of these groups.

I realized to delineate and protect the exceptions that mattered to me I had to support pro choice. I was already labeled as it. I would fight vehemently for those exceptions and I wouldn’t judge the complexity of the situation anymore.

The problem with abortion is it’s messy. It’s not clean in the discussion. It’s impact effects so many but it’s really about whether a woman has access to a choice or not that’s appropriate for her.

I’m not a judge. I can’t judge. I can only fight for exceptions and that means I’m in a conflicted position. But I’ve never felt more peace on the issue than when I try to just love, understand and support. When I fight to reduce harm to mothers. 

----

This wasn't just an intellectual exercise. It wasn't just an emotional exercise. 

I can’t deny my faith.

I can’t deny self discovery.

And I know that leaves me on the opposite of a lot of people who experience a deconstruction. I haven't left my faith. How I interact with it and the institutions and people who form the church, that's changed a bit. How I view Christ. My relationship with divinity, My spirituality. They inform my worldview entirely. And my experience on this earth has completely informed how I pursue and use my faith. It's inextricably connected. When I was a child, a teen, my relationship with faith and how I viewed it was selfish. I was worried entirely about my salvation. Everything I did, even service, was toward that end. I hate to admit that but it's the truth. 

Then I spent time with people marginalized. People discriminated. People who had struggles so much worse than mine and that changed. I care about them. I want to do what I can to make their lives better because I sincerely care about them. What I’m doing isn’t performative. It’s an honest good faith representation of where I am now. It’s trying to be honest and authentic so I can be the whole person I’m needed to be. 

I'm deeply influenced by supporting "the least of these." I'm more aware that my experience is limited. My knowledge is limited. The more I learn and experience the more I realize there are people who's experience is informed by discrimination. That there are patterns and policies that may not be intended to harm but they do. 

I heard a quote by W.E.B. DuBois that hit me hard, "A system can not fail those it was never meant to protect." 

That's why I'm so socially liberal, or even progressive on some of these issues. Because I've seen harm up close. And I truly believe my Savior suffered and experienced the pain of all. The least I could do to pay him back, show him the love he has for me in return is to give it without qualms. 

That's why I care about overturning Roe and protecting access for the least of these. It's why I care about immigrant rights. It's why I care about LGBT+ rights. All of that is why I also learned more about and speak out about racism, women's rights etc. 

I've been accused of being a bleeding heart and I'll wear it as a badge of honor. Cause isn't that what Christ did for us?

I know many people will disagree with me on policy and implementation. I get that. I'm not hear to convince anyone. I just hope that members of my faith who see my minority political positions know it comes from a love for the same Savior as them. I hope those more liberal more than me can see my change and also see that my action is grounded in real care and compromise. 

I speak out now because it matters. And I feel we can all make changes for the better. Why else do we try? That's hope. That's faith. And I'm putting mine in action. I feel my worship has more purpose in my life now. That my experience matters. 

I wrote this to answer the questions I get in earnest. In good faith. 

I'm not here to convince but to explain. And hopefully that just leads to understanding. And that understanding leads to more good works in the world. At least that's what I'm praying for, I hope my actions show it.