Conference weekend and the wrestling with it all

 It was general conference weekend. It’s a time of reflection from year to year. A chance to listen to messages that are meant to direct and edify.

This year it’s been increasingly difficult to felt connection and resonance with the messages. I’m just in a different place than I used to be. 

As I find purpose and peace the focus shifts. The helps I use in my life have too. What I hold on to most; it’s more selective. 

There was a couple things that reached me. 

One was wonderful counsel on our path to Heavenly Father and Christ. The relational and personal aspects of that. How unique it can be. 

I’ve been feeling that. Seeing the varieties of paths people take. The variances of struggle, strife, and accomplishment. 

I could but think of the quote I’ve been ruminating on since my days on the COVID floor. “We may all be in the same storm, but we’re not all in the same boat.”

We can’t make the same journey. It’s impossible. All that matters most is our relationship with God. The next part is our relationship with those we love.

There was a second talk that just slammed me like a freight train. 

Most of the western world is familiar with the story of the prodigal son. A young man seeks his inheritance early from his father only to lose it, upon returning to beseech a place as a servant in his father’s home. Upon just reaching the path he is met and welcomed in an embrace by his father, his return celebrated and feast called. The brother who stayed behind and toiled, finds himself resentful. Also needs comfort and reconciliation from his father. We know the story.

I just found myself struck by how often I have been both. So many times. And will continue to be so.

I’ve made my share of mistakes. I’ve harmed, I’ve wasted, I’ve been careless. I will at times again, even with focus and effort. But each time, each time I take a step to be better, do better, and turn; there’s love. Every time. Whether the Father, Christ, or a loved one, that embrace is there.

I’ve also been the resentful. The worried one. The one lacking empathy. But when it comes to God, there’s no shortage, only increase. I need to remember that. Tides raise all ships, we lift better and build better together. 

Two sons. Two vastly different experiences. Two vastly different needs. They couldn’t quit the explain to the other. But the father, God, he knew what they each needed and when.

I’m holding onto that. 

There was talk of turning to Christ, lifting each other and serving. All the usual discussions. None landed as hard as covenant paths with real, true connections; or reflecting on which son am I today. 

That’s where I’m at most. I’m figuring out my physical health (slowly). I’m finding my footing in my recovery (that mental health thing is as tricky as the rest). I’m working on being a more patient, involved, and understanding husband and father. I’m more dedicated to my work as well. It’s finding the energy and the balance. Day by day. 

It’s not easy. But I pray. I listen. And I have a wife and some close loved ones (kin and chosen) who help me not only survive, but progress. I’d be lost. Without that.

That leads me to the current disconnect.

“Think Celestial.”

It didn’t resonate. 

I want it too. 

See the idea of external motivations, it’s a non starter for me. I’m more motivated by not losing or to actively help someone than the carrot or the stick. I’ve always been that way and I’m finding it more and more. To the point I worry about serving for my sake instead of out of care and charity for those receiving the service.

It’s all about relationships. 

The idea of an eternity without the people who love me most, that’s frightening. That’s terrifying. And out of my control.

I’m lucky to be married to a kind, loving, understanding woman who makes me better. I can’t not see her with me when this life is over. But she’s not the only person I see. And to think of any of those people missing. Breaks me.

I work in a field where I get some great wins. I help some people and see progress. I also see great struggle and relapse. And some of  the help that saved me from the same struggles, it bears faces that don’t fit the mold described to attain it.

Their path is so removed from what has been delineated as the proper path. But their love and care, exceeds what I’ve ever experienced from those on it.

I don’t say that to be contrary, it’s been my experience. 

I’ve been in a lot of spheres separate from my faith. I’ve had challenges and experiences not represented by the majority of people who share it with me. I want to reconcile them. But I don’t know how. Yet. But I’m praying I do.

See I wouldn’t have the faith I have to pray without the Book of Mormon. I wouldn’t feel the care I have without spending time breaking out of my bubbles as a missionary. And I wouldn’t have a relationship with Christ without my faith. 

Just how it fits together is tricky these days.

And instead of raw hope this time around, I have faith and questions today. Maybe that’s ok. 

I’m going to focus on the flowers. What brought peace. What gave motivation. And try to worry less about the rest.