The constant cycles of my life

 I’m obsessed with the idea of finding balance in my life. In feel some sense of equilibrium. Probably because so much of my daily life is spent in extremes and out of sync. 

I didn’t realize it for so long. But now I can see the patterns with some semblance of definition things have gotten clearer.

My brain constantly changes its seasons rapidly. More rapidly than most. And more extreme than many. Multiple times a year. And now I can see it. How that shifts what I would want for balance. 

Writing is a part of it. And strive as I might to follow a traditional regimen or push myself with some type of discipline I’m afraid my productivity will ebb and flow.

There’s a cycle to the writing. A depth and introspection that comes with the depression, but a lack of energy to see it through. A thousand starts and ideas. Then the mania is the energy that comes to finish them all, but not focused to do more than see something else through. 

That’s not to say that I can’t see a project when depressed or find inspiration when manic. It’s just what is lent from each end of the spectrum. 

That’s what I’m finding I need to harness to a point. I’ll have periods of some “normalcy”. But it doesn’t last for long.

Medication tames the slopes to the peaks and valleys. Makes the transitions smoother, sometimes unknowing. Slows the rate of the cycle. Make the sensations that come with the cycle tolerable. There’s always a sense of self loathing at the poles. It’s makes that happen less. And it makes recovery easier. 

That’s why I’m always learning. Before I was aware of my cycles I was aware of a chronic personality. Always hyperfixated on something. The ADHD that underpins it all. Attempts at regulating it sent migraines into overdrive, added anger and temper to cycles both depressive and manic. So we handle it differently now. It’s the baseline drive, the seeking. The other two are the production.

Knowing this makes me adapt. Allows me to succeed more. Allows me to plan and enable myself to be better than I was. And hopefully do better for the future.

That adds a level of confidence and contentment I haven’t had before. I’m not at a place where I’m embracing the cycles, but I can use them, and that’s a start. It may not be the idealized balance I’ve sought, but it’s mine.