Mixed Episodes

I’d heard people say they have had mixed episodes before. I looked it up in stuff like the DSM. But I never got it. Not til now.

Such a disarming phrase. Mixed episode. Most mixed things are good and bad. Not this. 

It’s a pure raw nerve. Absolute exposure to every element in your life with no bypass for the emotion. 

Regulation. It’s gone. All you have is the awareness to control your cognition and hopefully your behavior.

Mania used to scare me the most. But this is worse. The impulsivity of this he highs is matched concurrently with the apathy of the lows. 

It’s the worst of it all. It’s compounding. Not canceling.

I never could have prepared for this. I think that’s the trickiest part of being bipolar. You find equilibrium. You plan. You get everything set, and your brain will still challenge you. You’ll get off balance again. Hopefully it will be a dive to depression or a soar to mania that’s familiar. One you have a way to cope for. But it may be something else entirely. Unexpected.

I’ve been living with bipolar my whole life. I’ve been aware and confronting it for a lot less. And let’s just say my coping skills have taken a lot of work to develop in that short time. But it seems to be all thrown out the window. 

What keeps you level when you're manic may lead you to be almost catatonic when depressed, and the inverse is true. 

The lack of being able to cope with the waves of emotions is the hardest part right now. It’s feeling simultaneous drives and emotions. Yet being unable to address them. I’ve never felt so tired and awake before. 

I had no reference for what I'm now experiencing. For any who have, my empathy has greatly increased. 

It's a "this too shall pass" moment. It's not hopelessness. But it is intensive. 

New experiences are new experiences. Doesn't mean we want to repeat them anytime soon. 

———-

I wrote this in the middle of the night a few days ago. In the thick of it. My mind animated with manic energy and racing toward what I considered at the time to be a genius epiphany. Yet my body was slack on a couch. Barely able to type the words. 

Reading them now. It’s hard. Cause I can feel it all over again.

The mixed episode is over. 

I can already feel the transition, the shift to one side of the spectrum. And for that I’m grateful. With knowable loved ones, my medication, and some planning I’ll be ok.

The swings to the spectrum can be frightening. But I’m learning how to cope and how to keep from spinning outta control.