Check in with each other

Sometimes it's doubt. That's an emotion that can creep in at anytime. It can sneak up on you. Doesn't matter how good you're doing. Sometimes things will hit you the hardest when things are going well. That's just the absolute truth.

I've been thinking a lot about that lately. The 2018 numbers came out for DOD suicides. A lot of posts have followed breaking down the numbers, the reasons why, the proposed actions. I'm not going into that. Enough people have for now and there's not much more for me to add. There's been a theme running through those that I can't shake. Check on your buddies, even when you think they're doing alright.

I've failed at that a lot. I get wrapped up in my life, my work, my school, my family. I don't reach out like I should. I even know which guys hurt at times. I can see it. Sometimes I get a text or a message off, sometimes I don't. But I should. I should make more of an effort. You know why I know this, right guys. 'Cause I'm the one who could use the check in too.

I'm not at a wit's end. I'm not contemplating the escape options. I'm not currently having panic attacks. I'm not engaging in self sabotage. I have goals. I'm taking my meds. I have a job, the bills are paid, the family is doing well, the kids are in school. Everything is fine.

I just still feel tired. I'm struggling to connect on a more than superficial level. I'm not engaging in hobbies. I'm doing my work, in what feels like I'm going through the motions. I'm not reaching out to relationships I have. It's too tiring some days. I'm too anxious.

I just feel like I'm struggling even though things are well. I'm just not satisfied. So I'm doing something about it. I'm trying for a career change, throwing my heart and soul into it on top of everything else. I'm trying to listen to the people close to me. But it's going to be a longer road than I anticipated.

I still have anxiety, I still struggle with depression. Sometimes I need to take a break, take a breath, and re-calibrate things. I need to adjust fire to sustain what I need to. I think this is one of those times for me.

To everyone in my life who's been there. Thank you. I'm trying to reach out more. I will be, as much as I can. I think of a lot of you and need to let you know that.

I'm still standing. I'm doing better than a lot. I know that. But it doesn't mean it isn't hard these days. I know it is for a lot of you. I think we can face that together.

I'm finding my sense of purpose again. I get that together I can work on the connections I've been missing.

Now I didn't write this for pity. I struggled with whether to write it or not at all. And if I did, whether or not to publish. But I feel like I need to.

So I am.